Bah Humbug

Monarchs Drop a NINE Spot on Connecticut

Kozun – 2 goals and an assist

Linden Vey – 2 goals

Clune – 1+1

King and Pearson – 2 assists

Stats
http://theahl.com/stats/official-game-report.php?game_id=1010193

Hello

Hi folks, it’s been a while – been locked up in a editing room all week .

So the Kings signed their first round pick… and I think that’s about it. Did I miss anything else wonderful and exciting? The Olympics? Still haven’t watched. I hear some 15 year old who is 3 years away from being the future ex-Mrs. Barry won some swimming thing. I’m sure I’ll be buying her line of clothes for my daughter. Lord knows my son can’t get enough of Shawn White’s stuff (I don’t mind ’cause it’s always on sale).

Shane Doan is still “contemplating” – I hear the Penguins front loaded a 4 year deal for him. 10 million the 1st year. For 20 goals. I’m sure Jarret Stoll is kicking himself. So is Pancakes. Imagine how much the Penguins would have paid for HIS 7 regular season goals and outstanding post season? He may have potted 25-30 playing with Sid or Malkin.

I watched the NHL DVD on the Kings winning the cup – 3 problems:

1) Jamie Kompon was the best they could do for quotes? The guy is everywhere. He’s going to haunt me forever.

2) Helene Elliott – She’s so ugly…

–  Tim Burton cast her on the spot.

– even Bob the Builder said “I Can’t Fix That”

– after the interview, she was arrested for mooning

– when she looks in the mirror, her reflection ducks

– roaches go, “Hi mom!”

– she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application

3) Rental Man? Really?

4) 45 years years and the best celebrities they could come up with is Matthew Perry and that guy from Five For Fighting?

5) Not one quote from Lombardi on how he put the team together? Not one quote about “right fit” and “playing together?”

6) The extras on the blu-ray weren’t worth the extra 10 dollars.

Oh, I know what I forget – the TeamLA sale and Select-A-Seat. I didn’t go to either and from what I understand, I didn’t miss out on anything. Congrats to the Kings for selling 15,000 season seats. I wonder, percentage wise, how much your ticket reps will have to listen to increased bitching and complaining? My guess? +2,567%

Did anyone try that new bar-b-que sandwich place? The one where Panda Express and that other awful Chinese food place used to be behind section 119?

I thought the site re-design would already be up… I guess the guys that were doing it hate me now, too?

If the NHL calls off the season again, will I finally get my life back?

So I run into a guy at Chuck E. Cheese today and he’s wearing a Kings Stanley Cup Championship T-Shirt. I say “Nice Shirt” and he looks at me like I just called him a “cunt” or something. Listen up people, if you BUY a Stanley Cup Champions T-Shirt, expect people who are just as happy as you are, to SHARE their happiness with you.

I’ve had a headache for 3 days. Does this mean I have a tumor?

FinalCut Pro X is NOT compatible with Final Cut 7 and I’m really frustrated about that.

Monday Morning Rant

CAN SOMEONE JUST PUT A MUZZLE ON TIM THOMAS
I’m all for freedom of speech but every time he opens his mouth (or in this case, tweets), flying bags of shit spew from it. Personally, I enjoy a Chik-Fil-A but now I have to rethink spending my hard earned cash which would go into the pocket of a person who openly speaks out against gay marriage. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if gay’s want to marry each other, they should be just as miserable as men and women who marry each other.

I understand this is America and we all have our 1st ammndment rights, just as Tim Thomas is free to spew his religious beliefs on his facebook account. Well, that’s why I have my tiny little rant-a-thon here and as was pointed out in an episode of “Newsroom” tonight, it was Christians just like Tim Thomas who killed Lincoln, John Lennon, Martin Luther King and supports the Klu Klux Clan. Again, this was on “Newsroom” tonight and it does not reflect my Koran carrying beliefs (that’s a joke, folks)

Yes, this has absolutely nothing to do with hockey and now that Carolina was stupid enough to pay 7 million dollars for a girl, all focus is now on an oft injured defenseman named Carlo.

SHANE DOAN? 30 M ILLION? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS?
First off, I’m getting real sick of Phoenix and their ownership mess. Even billionaires need writeoffs and NOBODY wants to touch this lemon.

I’ve got an idea. FOLD THE FRANCHISE. Nobody goes to their games in the 1st place. How the NHL can carry TWO franchises (yes, they’re “allegedly” carrying New Jersey, too, but nobody wants you to know THAT now do they?)

Shane Doan is being a little bitch, isn’t he? 30 million for 4 years? Let me get out my calculator. That’s 7.5 million. That’s more than Kopitar. For a 36 year old? Quick, which stupid team is going to pony up for this and regret the fuck out of it 2 years from now?

For 50 points.

Yes, he scored 50 points. That’s 27 points LESS than former teammate Ray Whitney scored and all he could muster up at age 40 was 4.5 million. That’s 12 points less than teammate Radim Vrbata, who at the tender age of 31 could only grab 3 million a season for 2 years. That’s 15 points less than Teddy Purcell. That’s 10 points less than David Desharnais and I don’t even know who he is!

89 players scored more goals than Doan did last season, and I don’t care what you say about “leadership qualities,” he hasn’t led the Coyotes to anything in 15 years!

7.5 million dollars a year?

MOVIE THEATRES
I don’t know about you but I haven’t sat in the middle seats since the incident in Colorado. Did you donate to the victims? You should. Even a few bucks helps.

THE OLYMPICS
Haven’t watched. Don’t care. That’s just me.

800 BUCKS FOR A BIKE?
What happened to the good old days when a top of the line Schwinn cost you 100 bucks? I just paid 800 bucks because I’m told I need a “hybrid” for the riding I want to do… Oh, and you need a cushier saddle. For 800 frickin bucks, it better tickle my balls when I’m riding. Helmet, gloves, water bottle and yes, I have to look like those dorks you see with the spandex outfits on that you just want to run over. Shit, I’ve become one of those guys. So please don’t run me over. I’m told my model is a “lower end” model and there are wheels that cost more than my whole bike. Who pays 2500 bucks for a bike?

LAST BUT NOT LEAST

I have to take digs at my favorite new fuckhead Tweeter

 

 

 

Kings Replace Kompon With Davis Payne

Weird.

The Kings have two guys named Davis on their staff/roster.

Okay, so Davis Payne was head coach of the Blues for 13 games this past season before being fired and replaced by Ken Hitchcock, who was named coach of the year. Now he knows how Jack Johnson feels.

Before he was fired, the Blues power play was 3 for 35 – that fits right in with the Kings sucking.

After he took over for Andy Murray he had a decent 23-15-4 record, but his power play ranked 20th. Then again, he took over for Andy Murray who drove everyone nuts with his droning and notes under the door.

In 2010-11 Davis missed the playoffs with a 38-33-11 record HOWEVER his power play IMPROVED to 10th in the league.

Considering his fate seemed to mirror that of another former head coach and excellent defensive coach in John Stevens, it looks like Davis Gaines… er… Davis Payne should fit in perfectly.

Bottom line is this: It didn’t matter WHO the Kings hired because ANYONE would have been better than Jamie fucking Kompon!

FAIL, FAIL, FAIL… UPWARDS

He can’t fight, he can’t backcheck, he’s lazy… and now he’s being paid 7 million dollars.

How many games does it take before the Staal brothers purposely dish Semin the puck just nanoseconds before Dion Phaneuf decapitates him?

SHANE DOAN

It’s like when Bo Derek left John Derek. Guys were like “Yahoo! Bo is fresh meat!” Every greasy dude with a bank account and a beer gut was wooing her, spending stupid money on her and what happened? She went right back to John Derek. These teams are wasting their time and energy. Doan goes back to Phoenix no matter WHAT happens. And he’ll probably take a 1 year contract, too.

It’s Wednesday and I Feel Lake Ranting

Is it just me, but does absolutely NOBODY care whether Alexander Semin plays in the NHL this season? This lazy ass Russian who fights like a squashed squirrel has burned more bridges than Madison County. Russians. When are they just going to stop being egotistical assholes?

I still can’t believe people are defending the Blue Jackets deal.  If I were a fan, I would quit being a fan. This team is just like every dude that actually lives in Columbus. Married to a fat slob, who is abusive, who sits at home stuffing her face with Cheetos and Twinkies while watching reality TV all the while bitching, “you never make love to me anymore.” But they stick around because who else wants a balding loser whose weekends consist of shopping at Wal Mart 50 miles away and whose only amusement is sticking bottle rockets in the ass of cows and lighting them. THAT is a Columbus Blue Jackets fan. Have fun Jack Johnson.

The Oilers are going to be a fun team to watch. You know what I’m really going to enjoy watching? The day when those cocky kids are up about 8-0 on a team like the Bruins who beat the ever loving shit out of them with absolutely zero retaliation.

Tonight, rumors are flying that Toronto is close to a deal with the Kings for Jonathan Bernier. I’m hearing rumors (and not from that sperm who dripped down his mommas leg HockeyyInsiderr) Scott Howson could further cement his legacy as the worst GM since Mike Milbury by overpaying for Bernier. If I’m Lombardi, I ship Bernier’s media crying ass to Siberia (read: Edmonton) to see how well Colten Teubert plays in front of him. A nice 3.22 gaa will bring his cocky crying ass back to reality.

The Flyers aren’t going to get Bobby Ryan and they aren’t going to get anyone else.  I’m so glad they’re stuck with Bryzgalov’s contract. I’m glad the Rangers and Penguins have gotten stronger. I like that Wayne Simmonds doesn’t have his name on the cup.

I’m so happy the Devils haven’t done anything this off season. I want Koval-choke to be miserable for the rest of his career and to think about the chance he had and how badly he failed. One empty net goal?

Dan Cloutier is looking to make a comeback and has requested a tryout with the Kings.

How bad can playing in that shithole in Nassau County be that you actually want to go BACK to the Ducks? I feel so sorry for Lubo who is turning out to be that really good friend you leave on the sidewalk because you don’t have any room for him in the car.

You know what I love even more than winning the Stanley Cup? WE DIDN’T BURN DOWN THE CITY!

Remember how much fun whippets were?

How the hell did my garage get filled with so much crap? I mean, the thing is just stuffed with crap! I’d have a yard sale but does anyone really buy someone else’s crap?

Where does Kyle Clifford fit in and will Jordan Nolan give him another concussion during a pre-season inter-squad scrap?

Lombardi has to be thinking, “I lost Moller and Holloway and Azevedo for nothing. Do I want that to happen to Loktionov as well?”

Hey! I had my reverse hockeyyinsiderr moment. You know, instead of sucking my own dick for everything I got right, I said that Thomas Hickey would be dealt before July 1st. Guess what? I was WRONG! #WOW #DONEDEAL #GUARANTEED

The LATeam store sale is this weekend. Up to 90% off. You know what’s gonna be 90% off? LAKERS WIN AGAIN shirts! CLIPPERS ARE FOR REAL hats! You know what’s NOT going to be 90% off? ANYTHING Kings related.

Remember when nobody cared that Mike Cammalleri was going to be a future part of this team?

How come nobody’s replaced Jamie Kompon yet? I guess it has to be the “right fit?”

I love that the Ducks are going to suck.

My wife’s cooking was so bad tonight, it tasted like a softball. I think I may patch my bike tire with the leftovers.

Have you ever noticed you always seem to have a lot of PENS? Where do they come from? The office? SOMEONE had to pay for them at one time. That means you’ve STOLEN a lot of pens and you’re a thief! Should we all be arrested? Is it actually a CRIME? On my desk are about 75 pens and I can’t remember buying a one. I hope I don’t go to jail. I already have two strikes against me.

Somebody sign Sean O’Donnell. I don’t want his career to be over yet.

Scott Parse? Anybody? Anyone? Hello? Anyone?

When is your Select-A-Seat? Let’s go celebrate some more beforehand!

Nash For THOSE Scrubs? Are You Kidding?

Remember when you were in New York for the first time and you saw that three card monte guy saying, “Find the red card. Find the red card” and it looked SO EASY. You plopped down your 20 bucks and turned the card over and… WHAT????…. It was BLACK?

SUCKER!

That’s exactly what Sather did to Howson. Not only did he rob him blind, he date raped him in the process.

I don’t care how the media spins this trade. It was worse that the Joe Thornton deal. It was worse that the Dion Phaneuf deal.

This one is about as bad as watching an episode of Rob Schneider’s new unfunny comedy.

If Scott Howson has a job after Christmas, I’ll be shocked.

“I think all three players have a chance to be the cornerstone in this trade,” Scott Howson said today.

I think he meant to say,”I think all three players have a chance to be concrete cinderblocks.”

Let’s break this down:

Rick Nash in New York with teammates that can actually SCORE = Flyers and Penguins are fucked. Nash, on crappy Jackets teams AVERAGED 35 goals a season. Imagine what he’ll do with Brad Richards dishing him the puck?

Because the Blue Jackets didn’t learn from how well Nikita Filatov, Jakub Voracek and Nikolai Zherdev performed so well, they traded for another Eastern Euro in Artem Anisimov who undoubtedly will love trading in the nightlife in New York for cow tipping and pork rind eating contests in Columbus.

Brandon Dubinsky has played 5 seasons in New York and has sucked worse than a toothless hooker. A whopping 34 points last season all for the amazing low price of 4.2 million dollars.

Tim Erixson is a defenseman who had a 7.5 rating by Hockey’s future… the exact SAME rating as Blue Jacket defensemen Cody Goloubef, David Savard AND Mike Reilly.

If Jack Johnson wasn’t crying in his pillow after the Kings lifted the Stanley Cup, he’s going to become the Jackets first full blown alcoholic.

I can only imagine the wave of Jackets fans that are PRAYING for a lockout so they don’t have to suffer through another year of futility. I can only imagine the Jackets fans wanting to turn that goal cannon towards the office of Howson. I can only imagine the scores of Jackets fans putting their NASH jersey’s on eBay and becoming instant bandwagon Red Wings fans.

Remember when Gary Bettman wouldn’t let the Kings rob the Islanders for ziggy Palffy and MADE the Kings include Olli Jokinen? How could he even ALLOW this trade? How could the NHLPA revenue sharing committee which is going to see the Blue Jackets gate receipts plummet worse than Chipotle’s stock the last two days.

Nick Foligno, Brandon Dubinsky and RJ Umberger? Come on, name a WORSE starting 3.

Do you think Sergei Bobrovsky is praying he has a season ending groin pull Game 1?

James Wisniewski might be a rich man, but do you think he might be having 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th thoughts about signing there?

Scott Howson, in a letter to fans, wrote: “We are committed to building a team that plays an exciting brand of hockey, competes every night and ultimately achieves the goal of winning a Stanley Cup. Anything less is unacceptable, and we will do whatever it takes to build a winner.”

Whatever it takes? You fucking LIAR. You could have traded Nash to Detroit for a MUCH BETTER package, but didn’t. “Whatever it Takes?” How about KEEPING Nash until the right deal came along? Mistake after mistake after mistake. I thought only Hollywood executives failed upwards?

And how about the Kings being “All In” for Nash?

[/rant]

 

 

Attention! Jackass Alert!

I just came back from shooting a short film today. I was in a GREAT mood as it was a fantastic shoot. Then I go and ruin it by reading this dipshit. What the hell is WRONG with me?

Are you fucking KIDDING me with this guy!?!?!

SERIOUSLY?

The phrase, “Who needs an anal rape?” comes to mind.

This is the guy who recently wrote…

Gagner signed YESTERDAY (5 days later) and for ONE year, not 3.

He freaked out the entire Pittsburgh area with THIS:

I know, I know, I’ve worked for Eklund… But Eklund posts RUMORS and doesn’t post shit like this.

Okay, lets break this down:

The Kings are going to trade a 1st line right winger AND a 2nd line left winger (albeit an injured one) for an overpaid, underachieving 3rd liner (Borque is a 3rd liner folks, don’t kid yourself)

Now, lets break down the alleged “cap savings”

Williams 3.6 cap hit

Gagne 3.5 cap hit

Bourque 3.3 cap hit

Diaz 1.2 cap hit

So the Kings are going to break up their Stanley Cup winning team… a team they kept COMPLETELY together for the grand “cap savings” of 1.6 million dollars??

No wonder Darren Dreger hates this fucking idiot and Allan Walsh went to the press and called him a “liar.”

Why am I giving this missed abortion any attention?

THE KINGS ARE ALL IN ON NASH???

He couldn’t get along with Carter in Columbus.  Jack Johnson thinks he’s an asshole. WHY in the hell, (if the Kings are trying to free up cap space” would they take on this parasites contract????

HOLY COW, did someone just drill a hole in my head and let a duck shit in it?

 

Can you all just copy and paste this link and send it to him – just flood his inbox.

 

All Hell is Breaking Loose!

Forget Bernier, tonight is FUN!

FLYERS STICK IT TO NASHVILLE  – OFFER SHEET SHEA WEBER – 14 YEAR – 100 MILLION (Told it might be as high as 140)

You know when you’re trying to be nice to the soon to be ex-wife and you’re trying to do the right thing, but she’s just being a fricken c***, so you tell your hard core attorney to stick it up her ass? That’s what the Flyers just did to Nashville

The Flyers were trying to be nice – they allegedly tried to work out a trade, and they couldn’t, so they decided to pay a defenseman until he’s 40.

Meanwhile, in a New York City penthouse, Gary Bettman is beating his pillow with an elephant tusk.

This could get uglier than Snookie without makeup.

The Flyers didn’t learn their lesson with the numerous years they handed out to Mike Richards and Jeff Carter? That worked out well, didn’t it? The first time Weber puts on a Montreal Expos hat, Weber will be jettisoned to Phoenix… or wherever they’ll be.

Flyers players are tweeting how excited they are. For some reason I haven’t been able to spot the Chris Pronger tweet? Did I miss it?

14 years? How many marriages last 5? Isn’t 14 years a prison sentence for statutory rape?

GLENDALE REJECTS COYOTES REFERENDUM

According to the Arizona Republic, Jones and Cobb have not yet decided if they will sue Glendale over the petition rejection. They are required by state law to decide within five days. Jones said that if they do not sue, they would consider an effort to add a surcharge or other revenue-generating increase to the cost of Coyotes tickets to minimize the deal’s impact on taxpayers.

Let me translate for you: Bye-Bye Doan! Bye-Bye Tippet! Bye-Bye Fans! Hello cheap tickets and great golf when the Kings play there!

PEOPLE SAY I SMOKE DOPE
Bernier winds up on the Flyers – he has to – the Flyers West won the Stanley cup, now the Kings East have to.

Okay, here’s how it works:

Step #1) Flyers acquire Bobby Ryan and Emerson Etam from the Ducks for Jacob Voracek and Matt Read
Step #2) Flyers trade Bryzgalov to CBJ for anything
Step #3) Flyers trade Emerson Etam AND Bill Ranford’s nephew LW Brendan Ranford to the Kings for Jon Bernier

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!

THIS IS JUST PRICELESS!!!!

http://downgoesavery.blogspot.ca/2012/07/sources-say-you-just-got-scammed.html

Oh, and here’s a few more for you…

“Waked Up?” – Is this one of those hip new 19 year old surfing terms i don’t know about?

“Waked Up?” – Is this a new hip hop phrase for “stoned on bennies?”

“Waked Up?” – Is this what happened to John Travolta when he was being massaged?

It’s now July 19th – Show of hands… how many people think the #DoneDeal will go through in 3 days? Hello? Anybody? You sir. You think it will? Oh, you have to go pee? Anyone else.

Wait! Let me play! I’ve written some stupid shit before (Lindros to the Kings!) but I want to play!!!

– The Kings have a VERBAL AGREEMENT that people named STEWIE will never set foot in Staples center again! #CONFIRMED

– The Kings have a VERBAL AGREEMENT that beer and Wetzel Pretzel prices will remain the same! #DONE DEAL

HNIC: “Leafs Make Offer For Bernier”

Submit all ridiculous offers here – remember YOU wouldn’t have traded Jack Johnson AND a 1st round pick for Carter.

The Kings still won’t have a proven back-up goaltender

So what do the Kings NEED that Toronto has? Burke likes to build with meaty guys… so do the Kings.

I like Kadri and Colbourne but doubt Burke parts with either.

Matt Frattin (I accidentally typed FARTin) – 6’1″ 206 – 4th round pick

Carter Ashton – 6’3″ 205 – 1st round pick

Brad Ross – Considered one of the hardest players to play against in the WHL, Ross brings energy and grit to the mix, which sometimes makes it easy for his offensive prowess to be overlooked. An in-your-face forward who’s relentless on the ice, his presence helps create open ice for his ultra-skilled linemates. He thrives in a pest role and should continue to frustrate opponents at the pro level.

Jesse Blacker – solid D-man?

 

 

Oh Good Grief Charlie Brown!

 

 

What is Bernier Worth?

On Thursday, Jonathan Bernier went public and on an interview with TVA Sports had asked the Kings to trade him at the deadline but the Kings “refused.”

I’m sure this went over well with Dean and his constant talk of “team” and “character.”

Lombardi to Bernier: “There’s No “I” in team”
Bernier to Lombardi: “There’s No “We” in team, either!”

Remember, this is the same Bernier that pouted like a 4 year old when he was demoted after starting the season in Europe in 2007 and giving way to the likes of Erik Ersberg.

Tony Gallagher of The National Post wrote today Bernier hampered his own market by going public with his trade demands.

I look at it the other way – It increases his value and lowers Luongo’s. Vancouver either takes whatever other teams are offering or those same other teams simply make a deal for Bernier.

The Columbus Dispatch reported the Blue Jackets, (after saying last season they had no interest), tried to acquire Bernier at the trade deadline, and once again have interest.

Would the Jackets simply give back the Kings 1st round pick they traded for Jeff Carter? If I’m Lombardi, I’d want the JACKETS 1st round pick instead. After all, Bernier was the 11th pick overall and the Kings have spent years (and a lot of money) developing him.

TRIVIA ANSWER

1.Dan Bylsma

2. Craig Johnson

3.George Parros

4.Matt Schneider

5.Stu Grimson

6.Andreas Lilja

7.Jim Thomson

8.Jari Kurri

9.Tomas Sandstrom

10.Jason Blake

11.Dustin Penner

12.Sean Pronger

13.Lubomir Visnovski

14.Sean O’Donnell

15.Warren Rychel

16.Oleg Tverdovsky

17.Ken Baumgartner

18. Kip Brennan

19. Kyle Calder

20. Bob Corkum

21. Ted Donato

22. Josh Green

23. Doug Houda

24. Lonnie Loach

25. Kevin Todd

26. Rob Valicevic

Lockout Means Kings Likely to Repeat (plus TRIVIA!)

Happy Saturday – My boy Dave gave me ingredients for a concoction known as “The Puck Bunny” – since us Kings fans no longer have to drink “Suffering Bastards” – They’re so good even “Jack and Jill” is funny.

1oz – Silver Rum
1oz – Gold Rum
2oz – Pineapple juice
1oz – lime juice
1/2oz – simple syrup (or Rock Candy Syrup)
splash grenadine
splash blue curacao (combo gives it a Kings Purple look)

I guess I’d better catch up on my baseball, since I have no idea who anyone is anymore and what the rules are. Is a suicide squeeze a member of Al Qaeda who has a bomb stuck up his ass?

I guess a lockout is inevitable since the owners must have have dropped tabs of purple microdot with their following proposals:

1. Reduce players’ hockey-related revenues to 46% from 57 %. (in return, players are no longer obligated to play sober)

2. 10 seasons in the NHL before being eligible for unrestricted free agency. (meaning there’s going to be a lot of Hollywood like divorces about 9 years in)

3. Contracts limited to 5 years. (how many GM’s are laughing at the Kings and Minnesota tonight? (I know Mike Milbury is with his family saying, “Hey, I’m no longer the only idiot!”)

4. No more salary arbitration. (does anyone give a hoot besides the greedy agents you used to beat up in high school and some basement dwelling nerd bomber fan from Kelowna?)

5. Entry-level contract are 5 years long instead of 3. (in return, entry level contracts are now worth 10 million a year)

Okay, here are the reasons…

1) LOCKOUT (WHICH SEEMS INEVITABLE)
It will give the players ample time to heal – there’s just so many nights of binge drinking, corn holing, smoking bong loads out of a Wayne Simmonds bobble head, having blow shoved up your anal cavity by a porn star, “experimenting” with lady boys in Thailand and passing out in their own vomit before they’re bored and want to start training again (except Penner who things Gym’s are the equivalent of Kryptonite).

2) SCHEDULE
Less puck bunnies on the road means stronger legs and testosterone (read: sperm count).

3) TEAM INTACT
While new players will take at least 6 weeks to get to know their new teammates, the Kings will pick up right where they left off and Vancouver fans will be mad again and not only burn down their city, but incinerate Kamloops and Revelstoke on their way to torching Calgary as well.

4) BERNIER
Bernier is going to want to increase his trade value and we hope he does so that when the goalies who haven’t played since April start pulling their groins, Lombardi can rope a 1st round pick and a prospect who is hopefully better than a guy like Colten Teubert.

5) NO KOMPON
He can’t even get a job selling Taco’s to Mexicans.

DEAR MR. BERNIER. JACK NICHOLSON ONCE SAID…
“You’re Not Going Anywhere”

I don’t care what that parasite Garrioch says or what the wicked witch is re-tweeting from as RDS feed.

Well Mr.Bernier, despite you going on a radio show and saying “I expect to be traded before the start of the season,” would be just like Mike Ricci suddenly not looking like a Halloween cookie mold.  In other words. It ain’t happening.

Do you really believe Lombardi is going to allow Martin Jones to become the back-up with ZERO NHL experience? What happens if Quick is hurt for a long period of time? Sorry, son. You’re sitting on the bench with a baseball cap on your head wondering which nightclub you’ll be attending after the game, and being paid nearly 2 million dollars for the privilege, so shut up. You’re starting to whine more than my wife.

AWW, POOR HAMMOND
“Bernier is smart enough and reasonable enough to know that the Kings aren’t going to trade him out of charity, simply because he wants to be a No. 1 goalie. I’d like a Porsche. We can’t all get what we want.”

Yeah, Rich, we can. My followers can achieve anything they want because they’re all bright, educated, and don’t have to work for the Daily News or Kings Insider just to make rent and a payment on a 2001 Lumina. All you have to do is put your mind to it, Rich. I wanted a Porsche, too. I worked my ass off (and did some really bad movies. “Tomcats” anyone?) and for my 35^th birthday, bought a spanking new 911 Carrera. I wanted a Playboy playmate to have sex with me. I got that, too (not all its cracked up to be, give me a repressed librarian any day!).

30 MIL FOR 4 YEARS OF SHANE DOAN?
You know what a quarterback does?

PASS

CAM JANSSEN
What’s wrong with being a fat broad? They keep you warm at night, they’ll finish your dinner when you can’t so that you don’t feel bad about the starving children in Ethiopia, they generally have really big titties and they’ll fuck you 6 ways to Sunday because nobody else will – I mean, after all, Cam is only a bridesmaid and not a bride. He’s only in 2nd place and who remembers 2nd place? He’s only a healthy scratch. But I love a guy who talks shit.

TRIVIA BITCHES!
No cheating. Name the 26 players who have played for the Kings AND the Ducks

Anybody Left Worth Signing?

600-700K
Looks like a bunch of dudes whom I’ve never heard of are signing for close to minimums. Guess that’s the new NHL. They’ve taken a page right out of Hollywood. Pay guys like Channing Tatum 4 million bucks per film and everyone else makes Scale (minimum). Take it or leave it.

 

What about a year of Kostitsyn, or…?
Sure, keeping him away from Lindsay Lohan’s disease infested snatch will be a challenge, but the boy can score, and that’s something the Kings can still use, especially on Stoll’s line. Relying on Simon Gagne to play an entire season is like relying on Marco Sturm to recover from major knee surgery or Trent Hunter and Ethan Moreau to have comeback years.

Sykora is still only 35 and did put up 21 goals and 23 assists in 82 games. But is this a case of “Once a Duck, Always a Duck?”

Am I About to Do Something Blasphemous?
What if Teemu suddenly looks at the Ducks and jumps ship for a year? Wouldn’t you? Would we want him? Isn’t he a Duck for life? Would it be too weird? He doesn’t ask for a lot of scratch and he’s got a better shot at another cup with the Kings than he does wasting his final year in Anaheim.

For The Love Of God NO!
Whatever the Kings do, PLEASE don’t sign Kristian Huselius. Of course I said For the Love of God NO! Please don’t hire Darryl Sutter.

One More Defensive Signing?
Lombardi has always liked Scott Hannan who doesn’t seem to be raking in the offers as expected. Would be a nice, inexpensive 1 year insurance policy. Better than Coliaiacovo and Campoli. What about Matt Gilroy (3g, 17a)?

UFA Players I’d rather never see in the NHL again:
Randy Jones, Jeff Finger, Kyle Wellwood, Trevor Gillies, Pierre Luc Letourneau-Leblond (are you KIDDING me with that name? How does he fill it out on his customs form?), Brendan Morrison, Patrick Rismiller (how does this guy keep getting SIGNED?), Patrick “But Edmonton Loved Me” O’Sullivan

Offer Sheets:
Yeah, that’s worked out well, hasn’t it?

Scott Parse Update:
Still nobody wants him. Maybe he takes a 2-way contract rather than playing in Europe? I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he winds up with Moller and Holloway.

Speaking of Moller and Holloway
Holloway led Skelleftea with 21g and 28a in 55 games for $110,000 instead of having his name being engraved on the cup which will now go to Nolan and King.

Moller was 4th in scoring with 14g and 17a and is still trying to figure out how to recover from that Bobby Ryan hit.

Prospect Camp:
I didn’t go. Too busy suffering from a severe case of jet lag. Did I miss anything?

 

 

 

11 Days Later and No Signings? No Trades? Questions?

I haven’t been this bored in July since the Kings acquired Derek Armstrong and Erik Rasmussen giving Kings fans hope that they were once again cup contenders!

Is Lombardi risking losing Loktionov to the KHL? (this falls under the category of “Does Will Ferrell ever have another hit?” i.e. does anyone really gives a shit?)

Will Drewiske be the 7th D-man this season? (who is Davis Drewiske again?)

Will Dwight King and Jordan Nolan start the season with the Kings? (one will, the other will pout like Kobe Bryant)

Does Brad Richardson have a job? (yes, just not with the Kings. He’ll be traded to a team that plays no defense, he’ll score 25 goals and grab a 4.5 million dollar contract. Wait, that was Teddy Purcell… no, wait, that was Matt Moulson… wait, I’m confused)

Would the Kings benefit by trading for Brendan Morrow? (He’s always injured. He fits in perfectly!)

Now that Parros is gone, does Westgarth have anyone to fight? (Does Justin Johnson know how to fill out an unemployment form?)

Will Thomas Hickey make the club? (he’ll be looked at confusingly. Like anchovies on a caesars salad. they’re actually SUPPOSED to be there but nobody ever complains when they’re not)

While the Sharks have improved by hiring Larry Robinson and the Wild have improved, have the Kings? (Yes. They fired Kompon. Flo the ugly, unfunny, out of shape spokesperson for  Progressive Insurance would be a better option)

Is Rich Clune in the Kings plans? (It would help increase my value on all of the Rich Clune jersey’s I own)

Despite his post season heroics, Trevor Lewis sucked during the regular season. Should he be back on the 4th line and should the Kings get some more scoring for Stoll’s 3rd line (let me think about this… FUCK YES!!!!)

Should Lombardi bring back Marco Sturm cheap? (After all, Trent Hunter and Ethan Moreau have THEIR names on the cup… what? They DON’T?)

Will Moller and Holloway be given a shot to make the team this season? (only when monkey’s fly “Wizard of Oz” style)

Will Shane Doan say “blow me” to the Kings and sign with the Sharks? (yes, and when he’s being paid by them when he’s 39 and they can’t “bury” his contract because he signed it when he was over 35, they’ll be screwed, like they have been every year.

Are the Ducks going to suck again? (no matter what happens with the Kings next season, Bruce Boudreau is going to be exposed for the mother****ing  ****stain that he is)

Will a Canadian team will the Stanley Cup? (what’s funnier? That? Or this joke: “How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick!”)

Will you cry on opening night when the Kings raise their championship banner into the rafters? (If you don’t… you’re whatever is below a pussy, you’re as heartless as that guy who stole the double amputee’s bike, you masturbate to video’s of Roseanne Barr, you like Jazz, you’re dumber than the annoying orange, you eat kelp sandwiches, you drive a Fiat, and you still worship Fonzie and anything Star Trek)

What’s Wrong With Canada?

I’m just CURIOUS. I’m not looking to pick a fight. I’m not looking to have beer dumped on my head. I just want to know from the (mostly) friendly people north of here why they think Canadian teams haven’t been as good as teams from the US?

Since 1993 when the Habs won the cup:
Only FIVE Canadian teams have participated in the finals?

WHY?

Okay, wait… before you jump down my throat… World Juniors and Olympics… you got that… now back to my original question…

Every year I hear and read how great the Montreal Canadiens are going to be – Entire FAMILIES have been raised and sent to college since the last time they won.

How many Prime Ministers, Presidents, Inventions, Medicines have been invented since Toronto won the cup?

Vancouver at least TRIED! At least they came CLOSE a few times.

Ottawa nearly did it against the Ducks… oh, wait. No, they didn’t.

CALGARY! Haven’t even been to the playoffs in 10 of the last 15 years. Although that run against Tampa was fun.

My GUESS is, with the forefront of free agency, most players don’t want to pay the TAXES? (especially in Montreal)

The travel?

Not wanting to speak French?

Too many Tim Hortons, not enough Starbucks?

Alcohol content is twice that as America, thus longer hangovers?

Better puck bunnies = weaker legs?

or is it simply just way too much pressure?

Curious.

My Sunday Update!

WHERE ARE ALL THE OFFERS?

For Scott Parse? Maybe he comes back as a non-roster invitee?

END OF THE LINE FOR O’D?

I love Sean O’Donnell but since he hasn’t been signed in the past 10 days, its likely he’s going to the corn field.

WAIT A MINUTE!

They guy everyone was jerking off to just 2 years ago, Fabian Brunstrom hasn’t been signed by anyone? I’m absolutely SHOCKED!

I’ll be glad when they put this glue factory horse Kritsian Huselius out of his fucking misery. How long can you go on sucking in the NHL before they finally figure out… you actually DO suck.

Nobody wants Jason Blake either?

Or Patrick O’Sullivan?

Or Sean Avery?

Or Trent Hunter?

PATRICK MULLEN SIGNS WITH VANCOUVER

Does anyone care?

MONARCHS GET SOME GUY I NEVER HEARD OF

His replacement seems to be Andrew Bodnarchuk who once got his ass beat by the Monarchs Justin Johnson.

 

What The Hell Lombardi!

It’s been 5 days and you haven’t signed ANYONE!

I quite!

I’m not renewing my season tickets!

You should be FIRED!

Oh…

Wait…

Sorry, I’m just so used to typing that every year about this time. Jet lag must be kicking in.

Do you know the water goes the other way when you flush the toilet? I still can’t get used to roundabouts and driving on the wrong side and shifting gears with my left hand, and liters instead of gallons. But I can drive 110 miles per hour! What? What the hell is a kilometer?

I’ve only been here a few hours and I haven’t gotten laid? What gives Australian women? I thought you liked fat American men?

Fricken electricity is different, too. My electric razor exploded into a ball of fireworks.

Shane Doan isn’t going to chump Phoenix, is he?

The David Letterman of Australia isn’t as funny as David Letterman.

Nobody here seems to like Russell Crowe anymore.

FUCK it’s expensive here! 2 beers and a side of fries, 40 bucks.

Aren’t you glad Parise and Suter signed with the Wild? They still don’t stand a chance, do they? I’m just happy they didn’t sign with Pittsburgh and Detroit. Now Detroit is going to know what it feels like to SUCK for the next few years and those bandwagon assholes that invade Staples can suck my left vegemite! Matt Carle gets 5.5 million? I’m so, so, so happy Mitchell signed for 3.5 and didn’t test free agency.

I got kicked by a kangaroo.

They don’t have those things you put down on a toilet before you take  a crap. Ew.

Andrew Campbell is the real deal.

How come there’s no scrimmage game?

I still haven’t gotten my full order from SHOP.NHL.COM and today they sent me a survey wanting to know “how they did”. It made me smile.

OMG the waitress is SO CUTE!!!

Show of hands: Who likes beets?

I still don’t understand cricket.

Oh, and Nash has been traded to the Kings. PROOF! How come @hockeyinsiderr didn’t have this one?

Laughing My Ass Off!

I knew as soon as I got on a plane the shit would go down.

Just landed in Sydney to find that Parise and Suter BOTH signed in Minnesota!

Which makes me laugh, laugh, laugh.

I’ve gotten my fair share wrong in my time but never quite the epic proportions as this.

Free Agency – Day 3 – Laughs ‘r’ Us

Laugh #1

The Wi-Fi at the Qantas 1st class lounge – you would think paying 11,000 bucks they would have WiFi that wasn’t slower than,

a) a snail on quaaludes
b) the time its taking Parise to make a decision
c) my grandfathers morning crap when I really gotta go

Laugh #2

To those who think the Dustin Penner deal was laughable. Sure, he sucked during the regular season. So did Stoll and he managed to snake a 3 year 9 million dollar deal. At least Penner is only for ONE season. I can only imagine the teams that would have overpaid given  the stupid amounts given out so far this season.

Laugh #3

To the NHL who has no idea what its in for in labor negotiations. The FIRST thing they’ll say is “please, please, please put a 7 year cap on these assinine deals!” 13 years for Weber if it happens?

Laugh #4

If fans were putting bottle of maple syrup up against the boards for Penner, I can only imagine the amount of Geritol, Depends, Viagra that’s gonna be placed against the Dallas boards. Jagr and Whitney combined are older than world war one.

Thanks to all who helped out to fix this wreck of a site –

By the time I land, Parise will have already been traded.