Will The Kings Finally Land The Big Free Agent?

Remember the days when Calder and Stuart and Nagy and Preissing were all jumping over each other to steal Dean Lombardi’s money.

Remember when Kovalchuk said, “Suck my balls”

Remember when BRAD Richards said, “I’d rather play on Broadway”, even after Leiweke himself flew to Toronto. Even after Kobe and Wayne sent taped messages. Even after Charlie Sheen promised Seka, Jenna Jameson and Traci Lords.

Remember Chara, Drury, Hossa, Gaborik…

The Kings never even got a sniff.

(Oh, and remember how Rob Blake abandoned ship!)

FUCK THEM ALL.

Dennis Bernstein tweeted, “Text just received from NHL agent (not Newport Sports) saying Kings will be all in on Zach Parise ‘want him very badly'”

Tim Leiweke even told a fan, “Sunday will be a big day. We will make an unexpected and earth shattering announcement so be ready.” No, they haven’t hired Alyssa Milano to scrape ice during TV timeouts, nor will it be the SHOCKING 10 year deal Jonathan Quick signed. Tim wants to make a splash, and it should be like that meteor that wiped out half the earth in “Deep Impact”

The L.A. Times said, “Making a hard push for the telegenic leader makes sense on many levels.”

Maybe having a Stanley Fucking Cup is finally enough to land a big free agent?

Then Again… maybe not.

Hammond is whining about Quick’s deal kicking in next season and Brown’s deal up in 2 years. Hey, egghead, do you not pay attention to how much the cap has gone up over the last 5 years? 40% – When Toffoli and Andreoff are ready, they can trade Williams. It always works out and its a nice problem to have.

Remember when Penner and Stoll were coming off the books? Well, looks like one of them is. Next year Scuderi (3.4), Richardson (1.1) and Gagne (3.5) come off the books and I don’t anticipate RFA’S Clifford, Lewis, Nolan, Voynov or Martinez will be making Doughty like money COMBINED. Oh, and the 70 million dollar cap, which was at 64 this year, should be at 74-75.

The Kings can AFFORD Parise.

But lets see if they’re the bridesmaids again.

HOW GREAT IS LISA DILLMAN?
Does ANYONE miss that prune Helene? God bless you, Lisa (@reallisa) and thank your editor for letting you write happy, nice, fun things about the Kings.

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE KINGS ON THE WHEATIES BOX?
Seriously! They can do the Lakers but they can’t do the Kings? WTF?

FOR GOD’S SAKE – HELP ME!
The current design/format for this website is worse than still having AOL – help a brother out – I’ll buy you beer and let you drool over all the hot babes I have in the new movie I’m casting.I need a LOGO, too. Come on you freaks with too much time on your hands!!!

Destination Unknown

“Life is so strange” – Missing Persons

All this talk about Jonathan Bernier being traded.

Why should he go ANYWHERE?

The free agent back-up goalie talent pool stinks like a dog fart (exception: Scott Clemmensen), Bernier still has a year left on an affordable deal before he’s buying a Ferrari, and the major question… WHAT IF QUICK GETS HURT?

If you were Lombardi, would you take anything LESS than a 1st round pick AND a prospect? Sorry, but teams aren’t as dumb as Bernie Madoff’s brother.

DESTINATION UNKNOWN PART II
I don’t know why but I have a very strange feeling that Ryan Suter winds up in Manhattan Beach.

Lombardi has always had weird man love for him.

The beach is better than honky tonk – better sushi, too.

Scuderi’s deal is up next year, Mitchell is getting older, Matt Greene is one hit away from falling apart like the coyote in a roadrunner cartoon.

He won’t make more than Doughty’s 7 million, but maybe Lombardi could work his magic AGAIN so the Kings are looking at a 5.5-5.8 cap hit which in 5 years will be cooler than Katie Holmes being single again.

DESTINATION UNKNOWN III
Dustin Penner – the Mayor thinks something will be announced soon. I’m not so sure.

Remember last season when Kings whined like 4 year olds when Michael Handzus wasn’t resigned? Then Lombardi went out and got some scrub named Richards? And Handzus sucked in San Jose.

My magic 8-ball says he winds up with either a) Babcock in Detroit or b) Carlysle in Toronto (my money is on TO)

DESTINATION UNKNOWN III
If Pittsburgh is looking for defense, what better way to help them than to send “The Piece” back to his original place of employment PLUS Andrei Loktionov for a 1st round pick and one of their delicious defensive prospects (like Simon Despres?)

HELP ME OUT WITH SOMETHING THAT BOTHERS ME
Why do people say, “Have a good ONE?” I’ve never understood that expression. I understand, “Have a nice DAY” or, “Have a good EVENING” but “Have a good ONE” just seems so incomplete. Have a good one WHAT? Have a good DAY? Why not just SAY “Have a good DAY” instead on “Have a good ONE?” – [/rant]

I Love These Long Term Deals!

Alexi Yashin

Rick DiPietro

Vincent Lecavalier

Scott Gomez

Roberto Luongo

Hasn’t really worked out, has it?

But check out the salary cap since the lockout!

Just 5 years ago the salary cap was 50.3 million. Next season it goes up to 70 million. That’s a 40% increase!!! And please stop with the, “It’s going down!” The only thing that’s going down is:

a) Rodney King
b) hookers at a Charlie Sheen party
c) Jennifer Aniston’s career

5 years from NOW, when Quick (5.8) and Richards (5.7) and Carter (5.2) and Doughty (7 mil) are still locked into their current deals, the salary cap (given the running standard) could be anywhere from 30% (91 million) to 40% (98 million).

Now, check out the top 20 highest paid players from the 2006-07 season, just FIVE YEARS AGO! 3 of our top 4 players are already BELOW that cap hit. Imagine what a bargain in 5 years Quick (age 31), Richards (age 32) and Carter (age 32) will be?

Dean Lombardi has finally emulated the Detroit Red Wings. He should only get stronger as he now has Jonathan Bernier to dangle to a team desperate to overpay for a (possible) #1 goaltender. Luongo’s price just plunged like Blackberry’s stock.Toronto! Hello! We’ll have one helping of overpayment, please! (didn’t DL once trade Kiprusoff when he had Nabokov?)

The Kings will have to eventually dish out the duckets for Dustin Brown (following this next season they could negotiate an extension) and Kopitar, but not until 2016-17.

Sure, they’ll have to replace Mitchell and Scuderi and even Matt Greene, but with Campbell, Muzzin, Deslauriers, Hickey (?), and Forbort now having the proper time to develop, the Kings are set like my grandma’s new false teeth.

Let’s hope they work out better than those listed above.

BERNIER?
Andy Stickland reports he’s asked for a trade – allegedly the Kings said, “No shit, Sherlock!”

Then who do the Kings sign as a back-up goaltender July 1st? Zatkoff is a UFA and Jones has no NHL experience.

Al Montoya?
Scott Clemmensen?
Johan Hedberg?
Yutaka Fukufuji?

BYE BYE PENNER
Despite 3 goals in game 6 on the power play, Jamie Kompon’s completely inept man advantage during the regular season cost him his job. Jarett Stoll’s atrocious regular season play was rewarded with a 3 year contract.

So where does that leave the out of shape, always good for a laugh, you only cost us a 1st, a 3rd and Teubert, Penner?

Let’s face facts: Dustin Penner sucked worse than a Kirby vacuum during the regular season. So he should be rewarded for this? I don’t think so. Every time his shift was finished he would wheeze like a chain smoker back to the bench.

This and he needs wrist surgery = make a run at Shane Doan

GUESS WHO FOUND THE PUCK!

FINALLY, SOME RESPECT!

Schultz, Schultz, Schultz… Shut The Fuck Up!

Schultz, Schultz, Schultz… shut the fuck up

Remember when “The Monster” was the schiznat? He backed up they hype by getting Toronto into the playoffs. Oh, wait. HE DIDN’T. EVER.

Remember when everyone was spewing baby gravy in their jeans over Fabian Brunnstrom? He wound up this season in Grand Rapids.

Every fucking year I gotta hear about some “can’t miss” prospect that flops worse than a Tom Cruise musical. This year it’s some ex-Duck when every time I hear his name I can only think of the fat guy from “F-Troop”

Two years ago, Kings fans were fawning all over Juraj Mikus because he was dishing the puck to Ziggy Palffy in Solvakia. He had 4 goals and 9 assists in 56 games… in MANCHESTER!

QUICK GOING WELL, DUSTIN PENNER NOT SO MUCH
Lisa, “the real L.A. Times Reporter”  Dillman said the Quick negotiations are going well. See, Lombardi would like to be able to make an announcement at 12:00:01 so that agents know the Kings are STILL looking to add some more depth (**cough Shane Doan cough**)

The Dustin Penner review went something like this:

LOMBARDI: “So, Dustin. Your name on the cup TWICE now. Any chance you’ll actually get in shape this off seaon so you’re not coming off the ice wheezing like a 25 year chain smoker?”

PENNER: “I was in shape.”

LOMBARDI: “No, I mean REALLY in shape so guys like Jason Blake aren’t beating you to the puck”

PENNER: “But I have two Stanley Cups!”

LOMBARDI: “I know, but we still stunk worse than a cabbage fart during the regular season, and you were a part of that stink”

PENNER: “I’ve had my nose broken so many times, I can’t smell anything anymore.”

LOMBARDI: “The weight set we bought you last season, we’d like you to actually USE them.”

PENNER: “Why would I do that when 15 teams will vastly overpay me? I have two Stanley Cups. I’m a good luck charm. Like a rabbits foot, or a 4 leaf clover, or the brain of a Micronesian Newt.”

Okay, I could go on forever, but it’s 2:18 in the morning and I gotta wake up early and get my kid off to camp, so fill in your own wanna-be unfunny jokes.

Why is the L.A. Times trying to make me pay 99 cents to read their crappy newspaper? Anyone else get this? Now I have to load Mozilla just to read this shit.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Ladislav Nagy STILL can’t play a full season ANYWHERE

Tom Preissing robbed Kings fans of their money and then came down with a case of severe alcoholism… uh… “verdigo”. He played for Jessica Biel in the Swiss league and robbed their money too playing in only 29 games. Because verdigo goes over so well in the Swiss alps.

Kyle Calder made 3 million dollars a year with the Kings and last season was playing in the ECHL for the Bakersfield condors. They have really good drugs in Bakersfield I’m told.

Dennis Gautier’s gaffe against the Detroit Red Wings was his waterloo. He’s now coaching in Drummondville. So much for 1st round picks.

John Zeiler played in the DEL for the Panters this season and had a great year. And hit people. And still got picked last.

Jeff Giuliano completed his 3rd season with the Iserlohn Roosters on the DEL. He had his best season ever! Former Kings Jeff Cowan and Manny Legace have been his teammates. Quick, which two take Geritol and which still gets laid?

Free Agents: Shane Doan

Shane has been the face of the Coyotes franchise but he’s not getting any younger and with the owner situation about as murky as a fat Jamaican woman and GM Don Maloney possibly having no budget to work with come July 1st, Doan might not want to lose an opportunity to play for a real team. A real Stanley Cup contender.

Pittsburgh.

Sorry, I swallowed too much Coldstone at once and had a really bad brain freeze. What was I typing? Okay, so what if the Kings made him an offer? Would he and Dustin Brown get along like Snookie and Angelina? Or will they play nice like Ryan Smyth after Jack Johnson sent his head into the turnbuckle?

I love Doan’s “battle” and he would likely only be a 2-3 year deal while Tyler Toffoli is slowly worked into the system and a much better cap friendly than Zach Parise.

I’ve just talked myself into it!

DO IT DEANO!

SHITS AND GIGGLES!

This was a poll taken by Hammond right after Sutter was hired. Over 80% didn’t say “yes”.

And just so the “experts” can’t backtrack…

I’ve been going back over the past season and the many meltdowns I’ve had – My favorite being “Dean Lombardi Has Ruined My Life” – I’ll be publishing those in the next few days. Am I ever gonna grow up?

Coke Zero tastes like a pile of dog shit that’s been eaten by flies and then regurgitated. (And yes, I have tasted regurgitated poop. My ex-wifes cooking. I once patched a tire with one of her flapjacks)

I finally got the rest of my SHOP.NHL.COM shipment today. 14 days after I ordered “2-day” shipping.

There’s gonna be a lot of known names playing in Europe this season as well as the AHL.

Free Agents: Jiri Hudler / DJ King / Brent Sutter

He’s only 28.

He made 2.875 mil last season for 25 goals and 25 assists!

That would have made him the 4th highest scoring player on the Kings with even better numbers than Mike Richards!

He would be a GREAT insurance policy for Simon Gagne, he’s a Lombardi/Sutter type player and he loves Hollywood (he invested a half million bucks in a film I just did.)

He’s a much needed left winger.

He hustles a helluva lot more than Pancakes

Thoughts?

FREE AGENTS: D.J. KING/BRENT SUTTER
The Flyers reunited the Schenn brothers. The Hurricanes reunited the Staal brothers. Shouldn’t the Kings make it a hat trick by at least offering a cheap contract to Dwight Kings’ brother D.J.?

He played 16 games for the Capitals last season and got into 6 fights, including one with our own Kevin Westgarth. Manchester could sure use him and he would make a nice call-up should Westy break a knuckle or something.

While we’re at it, Manchester could also use some help and what better way to reward Darryl’s Stanley Cup winning coaching job than to offer his UFA son a job. He’s played a few games for the Calgary Flames and last season was in Carolina for one whole game! But wouldn’t it be nice to have him play for his daddy for just ONE game in L.A.?

NO WONDER FRASER SIGNED
There are 312 UFA’S this season and PLENTY of 4th line centers available. Not surprising Lombardi told his agent, “he could sign here for 2 years or we could go after (a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l).

WHAT I ALSO LOVE ABOUT THE STANLEY CUP
When a team wins the Stanley Cup they’re called “The Stanley cup Champions” and not “World Champions” like other sports, which always pissed me off that baseball crowns their winner the “World Champions” when in fact, they’re NOT. They didn’t beat Japan, they beat another team from the US (or Canada), not the WORLD.

SO I’M NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE A PROFIT? I THOUGHT I WAS IN AMERICA!
Holy shit, you would have thought I was a Wall Street Executive stealing profits from their shareholders. Yeah, I put the Dustin Penner Stanley Cup worn jersey on eBay and upped what I paid for it by nearly double and people are pissed off about it with some pretty nasty private messages! Number 1) don’t fucking buy it and 2) YOU had your chance to buy it and you DIDN’T, so suck it.

TEAM LA STORE >>>>> NHL.COM
Two weeks ago, I ordered a hoodie duffel bag from SHOP.NHL.COM – it arrived today. Over the weekend I ordered shirts, magazines, hats from TEAMLA – it arrived today 🙂

Free Agents: Jordin Tootoo

I hate this guy.

He’s a little pain in the ass.

He’s perfect for the Kings 4th line.

Nolan, Fraser and the hard working Tootoo (or Westgarth, Fraser and Tootoo) would be a line NOBODY wants to play against.

He had a career high 30 points… or 9 more than Jarret Stoll making 3.5 million.

Because you just KNOW the Ducks or Vancouver or Phoenix will sign him in about 1.2 seconds just to piss off everyone on the Kings.

He made 1.1 and 1.3 million these past two seasons so that may be a bit rich for Lombardi, especially considering they just re-upped Rich Clune but he would be the first guy I would go after.

And he’s sober 🙂

Thoughts?