Attention! Jackass Alert!

I just came back from shooting a short film today. I was in a GREAT mood as it was a fantastic shoot. Then I go and ruin it by reading this dipshit. What the hell is WRONG with me?

Are you fucking KIDDING me with this guy!?!?!

SERIOUSLY?

The phrase, “Who needs an anal rape?” comes to mind.

This is the guy who recently wrote…

Gagner signed YESTERDAY (5 days later) and for ONE year, not 3.

He freaked out the entire Pittsburgh area with THIS:

I know, I know, I’ve worked for Eklund… But Eklund posts RUMORS and doesn’t post shit like this.

Okay, lets break this down:

The Kings are going to trade a 1st line right winger AND a 2nd line left winger (albeit an injured one) for an overpaid, underachieving 3rd liner (Borque is a 3rd liner folks, don’t kid yourself)

Now, lets break down the alleged “cap savings”

Williams 3.6 cap hit

Gagne 3.5 cap hit

Bourque 3.3 cap hit

Diaz 1.2 cap hit

So the Kings are going to break up their Stanley Cup winning team… a team they kept COMPLETELY together for the grand “cap savings” of 1.6 million dollars??

No wonder Darren Dreger hates this fucking idiot and Allan Walsh went to the press and called him a “liar.”

Why am I giving this missed abortion any attention?

THE KINGS ARE ALL IN ON NASH???

He couldn’t get along with Carter in Columbus.  Jack Johnson thinks he’s an asshole. WHY in the hell, (if the Kings are trying to free up cap space” would they take on this parasites contract????

HOLY COW, did someone just drill a hole in my head and let a duck shit in it?

 

Can you all just copy and paste this link and send it to him – just flood his inbox.

 

All Hell is Breaking Loose!

Forget Bernier, tonight is FUN!

FLYERS STICK IT TO NASHVILLE  – OFFER SHEET SHEA WEBER – 14 YEAR – 100 MILLION (Told it might be as high as 140)

You know when you’re trying to be nice to the soon to be ex-wife and you’re trying to do the right thing, but she’s just being a fricken c***, so you tell your hard core attorney to stick it up her ass? That’s what the Flyers just did to Nashville

The Flyers were trying to be nice – they allegedly tried to work out a trade, and they couldn’t, so they decided to pay a defenseman until he’s 40.

Meanwhile, in a New York City penthouse, Gary Bettman is beating his pillow with an elephant tusk.

This could get uglier than Snookie without makeup.

The Flyers didn’t learn their lesson with the numerous years they handed out to Mike Richards and Jeff Carter? That worked out well, didn’t it? The first time Weber puts on a Montreal Expos hat, Weber will be jettisoned to Phoenix… or wherever they’ll be.

Flyers players are tweeting how excited they are. For some reason I haven’t been able to spot the Chris Pronger tweet? Did I miss it?

14 years? How many marriages last 5? Isn’t 14 years a prison sentence for statutory rape?

GLENDALE REJECTS COYOTES REFERENDUM

According to the Arizona Republic, Jones and Cobb have not yet decided if they will sue Glendale over the petition rejection. They are required by state law to decide within five days. Jones said that if they do not sue, they would consider an effort to add a surcharge or other revenue-generating increase to the cost of Coyotes tickets to minimize the deal’s impact on taxpayers.

Let me translate for you: Bye-Bye Doan! Bye-Bye Tippet! Bye-Bye Fans! Hello cheap tickets and great golf when the Kings play there!

PEOPLE SAY I SMOKE DOPE
Bernier winds up on the Flyers – he has to – the Flyers West won the Stanley cup, now the Kings East have to.

Okay, here’s how it works:

Step #1) Flyers acquire Bobby Ryan and Emerson Etam from the Ducks for Jacob Voracek and Matt Read
Step #2) Flyers trade Bryzgalov to CBJ for anything
Step #3) Flyers trade Emerson Etam AND Bill Ranford’s nephew LW Brendan Ranford to the Kings for Jon Bernier

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!

THIS IS JUST PRICELESS!!!!

http://downgoesavery.blogspot.ca/2012/07/sources-say-you-just-got-scammed.html

Oh, and here’s a few more for you…

“Waked Up?” – Is this one of those hip new 19 year old surfing terms i don’t know about?

“Waked Up?” – Is this a new hip hop phrase for “stoned on bennies?”

“Waked Up?” – Is this what happened to John Travolta when he was being massaged?

It’s now July 19th – Show of hands… how many people think the #DoneDeal will go through in 3 days? Hello? Anybody? You sir. You think it will? Oh, you have to go pee? Anyone else.

Wait! Let me play! I’ve written some stupid shit before (Lindros to the Kings!) but I want to play!!!

– The Kings have a VERBAL AGREEMENT that people named STEWIE will never set foot in Staples center again! #CONFIRMED

– The Kings have a VERBAL AGREEMENT that beer and Wetzel Pretzel prices will remain the same! #DONE DEAL

HNIC: “Leafs Make Offer For Bernier”

Submit all ridiculous offers here – remember YOU wouldn’t have traded Jack Johnson AND a 1st round pick for Carter.

The Kings still won’t have a proven back-up goaltender

So what do the Kings NEED that Toronto has? Burke likes to build with meaty guys… so do the Kings.

I like Kadri and Colbourne but doubt Burke parts with either.

Matt Frattin (I accidentally typed FARTin) – 6’1″ 206 – 4th round pick

Carter Ashton – 6’3″ 205 – 1st round pick

Brad Ross – Considered one of the hardest players to play against in the WHL, Ross brings energy and grit to the mix, which sometimes makes it easy for his offensive prowess to be overlooked. An in-your-face forward who’s relentless on the ice, his presence helps create open ice for his ultra-skilled linemates. He thrives in a pest role and should continue to frustrate opponents at the pro level.

Jesse Blacker – solid D-man?

 

 

Oh Good Grief Charlie Brown!

 

 

What is Bernier Worth?

On Thursday, Jonathan Bernier went public and on an interview with TVA Sports had asked the Kings to trade him at the deadline but the Kings “refused.”

I’m sure this went over well with Dean and his constant talk of “team” and “character.”

Lombardi to Bernier: “There’s No “I” in team”
Bernier to Lombardi: “There’s No “We” in team, either!”

Remember, this is the same Bernier that pouted like a 4 year old when he was demoted after starting the season in Europe in 2007 and giving way to the likes of Erik Ersberg.

Tony Gallagher of The National Post wrote today Bernier hampered his own market by going public with his trade demands.

I look at it the other way – It increases his value and lowers Luongo’s. Vancouver either takes whatever other teams are offering or those same other teams simply make a deal for Bernier.

The Columbus Dispatch reported the Blue Jackets, (after saying last season they had no interest), tried to acquire Bernier at the trade deadline, and once again have interest.

Would the Jackets simply give back the Kings 1st round pick they traded for Jeff Carter? If I’m Lombardi, I’d want the JACKETS 1st round pick instead. After all, Bernier was the 11th pick overall and the Kings have spent years (and a lot of money) developing him.

TRIVIA ANSWER

1.Dan Bylsma

2. Craig Johnson

3.George Parros

4.Matt Schneider

5.Stu Grimson

6.Andreas Lilja

7.Jim Thomson

8.Jari Kurri

9.Tomas Sandstrom

10.Jason Blake

11.Dustin Penner

12.Sean Pronger

13.Lubomir Visnovski

14.Sean O’Donnell

15.Warren Rychel

16.Oleg Tverdovsky

17.Ken Baumgartner

18. Kip Brennan

19. Kyle Calder

20. Bob Corkum

21. Ted Donato

22. Josh Green

23. Doug Houda

24. Lonnie Loach

25. Kevin Todd

26. Rob Valicevic

Lockout Means Kings Likely to Repeat (plus TRIVIA!)

Happy Saturday – My boy Dave gave me ingredients for a concoction known as “The Puck Bunny” – since us Kings fans no longer have to drink “Suffering Bastards” – They’re so good even “Jack and Jill” is funny.

1oz – Silver Rum
1oz – Gold Rum
2oz – Pineapple juice
1oz – lime juice
1/2oz – simple syrup (or Rock Candy Syrup)
splash grenadine
splash blue curacao (combo gives it a Kings Purple look)

I guess I’d better catch up on my baseball, since I have no idea who anyone is anymore and what the rules are. Is a suicide squeeze a member of Al Qaeda who has a bomb stuck up his ass?

I guess a lockout is inevitable since the owners must have have dropped tabs of purple microdot with their following proposals:

1. Reduce players’ hockey-related revenues to 46% from 57 %. (in return, players are no longer obligated to play sober)

2. 10 seasons in the NHL before being eligible for unrestricted free agency. (meaning there’s going to be a lot of Hollywood like divorces about 9 years in)

3. Contracts limited to 5 years. (how many GM’s are laughing at the Kings and Minnesota tonight? (I know Mike Milbury is with his family saying, “Hey, I’m no longer the only idiot!”)

4. No more salary arbitration. (does anyone give a hoot besides the greedy agents you used to beat up in high school and some basement dwelling nerd bomber fan from Kelowna?)

5. Entry-level contract are 5 years long instead of 3. (in return, entry level contracts are now worth 10 million a year)

Okay, here are the reasons…

1) LOCKOUT (WHICH SEEMS INEVITABLE)
It will give the players ample time to heal – there’s just so many nights of binge drinking, corn holing, smoking bong loads out of a Wayne Simmonds bobble head, having blow shoved up your anal cavity by a porn star, “experimenting” with lady boys in Thailand and passing out in their own vomit before they’re bored and want to start training again (except Penner who things Gym’s are the equivalent of Kryptonite).

2) SCHEDULE
Less puck bunnies on the road means stronger legs and testosterone (read: sperm count).

3) TEAM INTACT
While new players will take at least 6 weeks to get to know their new teammates, the Kings will pick up right where they left off and Vancouver fans will be mad again and not only burn down their city, but incinerate Kamloops and Revelstoke on their way to torching Calgary as well.

4) BERNIER
Bernier is going to want to increase his trade value and we hope he does so that when the goalies who haven’t played since April start pulling their groins, Lombardi can rope a 1st round pick and a prospect who is hopefully better than a guy like Colten Teubert.

5) NO KOMPON
He can’t even get a job selling Taco’s to Mexicans.

DEAR MR. BERNIER. JACK NICHOLSON ONCE SAID…
“You’re Not Going Anywhere”

I don’t care what that parasite Garrioch says or what the wicked witch is re-tweeting from as RDS feed.

Well Mr.Bernier, despite you going on a radio show and saying “I expect to be traded before the start of the season,” would be just like Mike Ricci suddenly not looking like a Halloween cookie mold.  In other words. It ain’t happening.

Do you really believe Lombardi is going to allow Martin Jones to become the back-up with ZERO NHL experience? What happens if Quick is hurt for a long period of time? Sorry, son. You’re sitting on the bench with a baseball cap on your head wondering which nightclub you’ll be attending after the game, and being paid nearly 2 million dollars for the privilege, so shut up. You’re starting to whine more than my wife.

AWW, POOR HAMMOND
“Bernier is smart enough and reasonable enough to know that the Kings aren’t going to trade him out of charity, simply because he wants to be a No. 1 goalie. I’d like a Porsche. We can’t all get what we want.

Yeah, Rich, we can. My followers can achieve anything they want because they’re all bright, educated, and don’t have to work for the Daily News or Kings Insider just to make rent and a payment on a 2001 Lumina. All you have to do is put your mind to it, Rich. I wanted a Porsche, too. I worked my ass off (and did some really bad movies. “Tomcats” anyone?) and for my 35th birthday, bought a spanking new 911 Carrera. I wanted a Playboy playmate to have sex with me. I got that, too (not all its cracked up to be, give me a repressed librarian any day!).

30 MIL FOR 4 YEARS OF SHANE DOAN?
You know what a quarterback does?

PASS

CAM JANSSEN
What’s wrong with being a fat broad? They keep you warm at night, they’ll finish your dinner when you can’t so that you don’t feel bad about the starving children in Ethiopia, they generally have really big titties and they’ll fuck you 6 ways to Sunday because nobody else will – I mean, after all, Cam is only a bridesmaid and not a bride. He’s only in 2nd place and who remembers 2nd place? He’s only a healthy scratch. But I love a guy who talks shit.

TRIVIA BITCHES!
No cheating. Name the 26 players who have played for the Kings AND the Ducks

Anybody Left Worth Signing?

600-700K
Looks like a bunch of dudes whom I’ve never heard of are signing for close to minimums. Guess that’s the new NHL. They’ve taken a page right out of Hollywood. Pay guys like Channing Tatum 4 million bucks per film and everyone else makes Scale (minimum). Take it or leave it.

 

What about a year of Kostitsyn, or…?
Sure, keeping him away from Lindsay Lohan’s disease infested snatch will be a challenge, but the boy can score, and that’s something the Kings can still use, especially on Stoll’s line. Relying on Simon Gagne to play an entire season is like relying on Marco Sturm to recover from major knee surgery or Trent Hunter and Ethan Moreau to have comeback years.

Sykora is still only 35 and did put up 21 goals and 23 assists in 82 games. But is this a case of “Once a Duck, Always a Duck?”

Am I About to Do Something Blasphemous?
What if Teemu suddenly looks at the Ducks and jumps ship for a year? Wouldn’t you? Would we want him? Isn’t he a Duck for life? Would it be too weird? He doesn’t ask for a lot of scratch and he’s got a better shot at another cup with the Kings than he does wasting his final year in Anaheim.

For The Love Of God NO!
Whatever the Kings do, PLEASE don’t sign Kristian Huselius. Of course I said For the Love of God NO! Please don’t hire Darryl Sutter.

One More Defensive Signing?
Lombardi has always liked Scott Hannan who doesn’t seem to be raking in the offers as expected. Would be a nice, inexpensive 1 year insurance policy. Better than Coliaiacovo and Campoli. What about Matt Gilroy (3g, 17a)?

UFA Players I’d rather never see in the NHL again:
Randy Jones, Jeff Finger, Kyle Wellwood, Trevor Gillies, Pierre Luc Letourneau-Leblond (are you KIDDING me with that name? How does he fill it out on his customs form?), Brendan Morrison, Patrick Rismiller (how does this guy keep getting SIGNED?), Patrick “But Edmonton Loved Me” O’Sullivan

Offer Sheets:
Yeah, that’s worked out well, hasn’t it?

Scott Parse Update:
Still nobody wants him. Maybe he takes a 2-way contract rather than playing in Europe? I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he winds up with Moller and Holloway.

Speaking of Moller and Holloway
Holloway led Skelleftea with 21g and 28a in 55 games for $110,000 instead of having his name being engraved on the cup which will now go to Nolan and King.

Moller was 4th in scoring with 14g and 17a and is still trying to figure out how to recover from that Bobby Ryan hit.

Prospect Camp:
I didn’t go. Too busy suffering from a severe case of jet lag. Did I miss anything?

 

 

 

11 Days Later and No Signings? No Trades? Questions?

I haven’t been this bored in July since the Kings acquired Derek Armstrong and Erik Rasmussen giving Kings fans hope that they were once again cup contenders!

Is Lombardi risking losing Loktionov to the KHL? (this falls under the category of “Does Will Ferrell ever have another hit?” i.e. does anyone really gives a shit?)

Will Drewiske be the 7th D-man this season? (who is Davis Drewiske again?)

Will Dwight King and Jordan Nolan start the season with the Kings? (one will, the other will pout like Kobe Bryant)

Does Brad Richardson have a job? (yes, just not with the Kings. He’ll be traded to a team that plays no defense, he’ll score 25 goals and grab a 4.5 million dollar contract. Wait, that was Teddy Purcell… no, wait, that was Matt Moulson… wait, I’m confused)

Would the Kings benefit by trading for Brendan Morrow? (He’s always injured. He fits in perfectly!)

Now that Parros is gone, does Westgarth have anyone to fight? (Does Justin Johnson know how to fill out an unemployment form?)

Will Thomas Hickey make the club? (he’ll be looked at confusingly. Like anchovies on a caesars salad. they’re actually SUPPOSED to be there but nobody ever complains when they’re not)

While the Sharks have improved by hiring Larry Robinson and the Wild have improved, have the Kings? (Yes. They fired Kompon. Flo the ugly, unfunny, out of shape spokesperson for  Progressive Insurance would be a better option)

Is Rich Clune in the Kings plans? (It would help increase my value on all of the Rich Clune jersey’s I own)

Despite his post season heroics, Trevor Lewis sucked during the regular season. Should he be back on the 4th line and should the Kings get some more scoring for Stoll’s 3rd line (let me think about this… FUCK YES!!!!)

Should Lombardi bring back Marco Sturm cheap? (After all, Trent Hunter and Ethan Moreau have THEIR names on the cup… what? They DON’T?)

Will Moller and Holloway be given a shot to make the team this season? (only when monkey’s fly “Wizard of Oz” style)

Will Shane Doan say “blow me” to the Kings and sign with the Sharks? (yes, and when he’s being paid by them when he’s 39 and they can’t “bury” his contract because he signed it when he was over 35, they’ll be screwed, like they have been every year.

Are the Ducks going to suck again? (no matter what happens with the Kings next season, Bruce Boudreau is going to be exposed for the mother****ing  ****stain that he is)

Will a Canadian team will the Stanley Cup? (what’s funnier? That? Or this joke: “How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick!”)

Will you cry on opening night when the Kings raise their championship banner into the rafters? (If you don’t… you’re whatever is below a pussy, you’re as heartless as that guy who stole the double amputee’s bike, you masturbate to video’s of Roseanne Barr, you like Jazz, you’re dumber than the annoying orange, you eat kelp sandwiches, you drive a Fiat, and you still worship Fonzie and anything Star Trek)