Lockout Means Kings Likely to Repeat (plus TRIVIA!)

Happy Saturday – My boy Dave gave me ingredients for a concoction known as “The Puck Bunny” – since us Kings fans no longer have to drink “Suffering Bastards” – They’re so good even “Jack and Jill” is funny.

1oz – Silver Rum
1oz – Gold Rum
2oz – Pineapple juice
1oz – lime juice
1/2oz – simple syrup (or Rock Candy Syrup)
splash grenadine
splash blue curacao (combo gives it a Kings Purple look)

I guess I’d better catch up on my baseball, since I have no idea who anyone is anymore and what the rules are. Is a suicide squeeze a member of Al Qaeda who has a bomb stuck up his ass?

I guess a lockout is inevitable since the owners must have have dropped tabs of purple microdot with their following proposals:

1. Reduce players’ hockey-related revenues to 46% from 57 %. (in return, players are no longer obligated to play sober)

2. 10 seasons in the NHL before being eligible for unrestricted free agency. (meaning there’s going to be a lot of Hollywood like divorces about 9 years in)

3. Contracts limited to 5 years. (how many GM’s are laughing at the Kings and Minnesota tonight? (I know Mike Milbury is with his family saying, “Hey, I’m no longer the only idiot!”)

4. No more salary arbitration. (does anyone give a hoot besides the greedy agents you used to beat up in high school and some basement dwelling nerd bomber fan from Kelowna?)

5. Entry-level contract are 5 years long instead of 3. (in return, entry level contracts are now worth 10 million a year)

Okay, here are the reasons…

1) LOCKOUT (WHICH SEEMS INEVITABLE)
It will give the players ample time to heal – there’s just so many nights of binge drinking, corn holing, smoking bong loads out of a Wayne Simmonds bobble head, having blow shoved up your anal cavity by a porn star, “experimenting” with lady boys in Thailand and passing out in their own vomit before they’re bored and want to start training again (except Penner who things Gym’s are the equivalent of Kryptonite).

2) SCHEDULE
Less puck bunnies on the road means stronger legs and testosterone (read: sperm count).

3) TEAM INTACT
While new players will take at least 6 weeks to get to know their new teammates, the Kings will pick up right where they left off and Vancouver fans will be mad again and not only burn down their city, but incinerate Kamloops and Revelstoke on their way to torching Calgary as well.

4) BERNIER
Bernier is going to want to increase his trade value and we hope he does so that when the goalies who haven’t played since April start pulling their groins, Lombardi can rope a 1st round pick and a prospect who is hopefully better than a guy like Colten Teubert.

5) NO KOMPON
He can’t even get a job selling Taco’s to Mexicans.

DEAR MR. BERNIER. JACK NICHOLSON ONCE SAID…
“You’re Not Going Anywhere”

I don’t care what that parasite Garrioch says or what the wicked witch is re-tweeting from as RDS feed.

Well Mr.Bernier, despite you going on a radio show and saying “I expect to be traded before the start of the season,” would be just like Mike Ricci suddenly not looking like a Halloween cookie mold.  In other words. It ain’t happening.

Do you really believe Lombardi is going to allow Martin Jones to become the back-up with ZERO NHL experience? What happens if Quick is hurt for a long period of time? Sorry, son. You’re sitting on the bench with a baseball cap on your head wondering which nightclub you’ll be attending after the game, and being paid nearly 2 million dollars for the privilege, so shut up. You’re starting to whine more than my wife.

AWW, POOR HAMMOND
“Bernier is smart enough and reasonable enough to know that the Kings aren’t going to trade him out of charity, simply because he wants to be a No. 1 goalie. I’d like a Porsche. We can’t all get what we want.

Yeah, Rich, we can. My followers can achieve anything they want because they’re all bright, educated, and don’t have to work for the Daily News or Kings Insider just to make rent and a payment on a 2001 Lumina. All you have to do is put your mind to it, Rich. I wanted a Porsche, too. I worked my ass off (and did some really bad movies. “Tomcats” anyone?) and for my 35th birthday, bought a spanking new 911 Carrera. I wanted a Playboy playmate to have sex with me. I got that, too (not all its cracked up to be, give me a repressed librarian any day!).

30 MIL FOR 4 YEARS OF SHANE DOAN?
You know what a quarterback does?

PASS

CAM JANSSEN
What’s wrong with being a fat broad? They keep you warm at night, they’ll finish your dinner when you can’t so that you don’t feel bad about the starving children in Ethiopia, they generally have really big titties and they’ll fuck you 6 ways to Sunday because nobody else will – I mean, after all, Cam is only a bridesmaid and not a bride. He’s only in 2nd place and who remembers 2nd place? He’s only a healthy scratch. But I love a guy who talks shit.

TRIVIA BITCHES!
No cheating. Name the 26 players who have played for the Kings AND the Ducks

Comments

  1. Primakov says:

    “Reduce players’ hockey-related revenues to 46% from 57%. (in return, players are no longer obligated to play sober)”

    If the players actually lost that big a percentage point in revenue split they’d have to have a lockout to retain the right to be drunk every day and at all hours.

    Every 1% represents about 30 million dollars so an 11% drop from players going to the owners means $330 million dollar would be crossing over the negotiating table and into the pocket of the owners.

  2. Dave T. says:

    Hint to 26th player. He scored the first hat trick for the Predators.

  3. Dave T. says:

    Andres Lilja, Al sims played for Kings coached for Ducks, Lonnied Loach, Keven Todd,Jim Thomson and how did any Kings fan miss Thomas Sandstrom? I think that makes 25, Sims dosent relly count, Who is missing?

  4. Sleeping Dog says:

    Matt, these negotiations are just beginning – the owners are going to propose a $3.75/hr wage; the players will ask for mandatory 15 yr/$100m for 3rd line players. They’ll meet somewhere in the middle.
    Being an optimist, I am hoping they keep the current CBA intact for another year and won’t have a lockout. But then again, I was hoping there wouldn’t be one the time the CBA expired.

  5. I’m for a lock out. It means the Kings are permanent Stanley Cup winners! I’m ok with that!

  6. Penner, Lubo, jason Blake, kuri, rychel, bylsma, Lilja, sandstrom, O,donnell, parros, Calder, Schneider, Trvordosky, Stu grim reaper grimson, houda, baumgartner, corkum, Craig Johnson, josh green, Jim Thompson, Loach?(not 100% on him), Donato, that’s all I got…

  7. Gilbert says:

    Can I ask which Month/Year this lucky young lady was?

  8. Sean odonnell, Craig Johnson, Kyle Calder, George parros, jarri Kurri, Stu grimson, Dan bylsma, Jason Blake, Oleg tverdovsky, Dustin penner, lubomir vishnovsky, Doug Houda, bob corkum, josh green, Matthieu Schneider, Ken baumgartner, Ted donato, Warren Rychel, kip brennan, Sean pronger, Bobby Ryan?? Bruce boudreau?? Shit I don’t know anymore!!

  9. oldmanlalande says:

    i dpntknow a one! … i almost forgot simmons once played for my KINGS !!!
    magic8ball says “Happy Fat american “

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