Bah Humbug

Monarchs Drop a NINE Spot on Connecticut

Kozun – 2 goals and an assist

Linden Vey – 2 goals

Clune – 1+1

King and Pearson – 2 assists

Stats
http://theahl.com/stats/official-game-report.php?game_id=1010193

Hello

Hi folks, it’s been a while – been locked up in a editing room all week .

So the Kings signed their first round pick… and I think that’s about it. Did I miss anything else wonderful and exciting? The Olympics? Still haven’t watched. I hear some 15 year old who is 3 years away from being the future ex-Mrs. Barry won some swimming thing. I’m sure I’ll be buying her line of clothes for my daughter. Lord knows my son can’t get enough of Shawn White’s stuff (I don’t mind ’cause it’s always on sale).

Shane Doan is still “contemplating” – I hear the Penguins front loaded a 4 year deal for him. 10 million the 1st year. For 20 goals. I’m sure Jarret Stoll is kicking himself. So is Pancakes. Imagine how much the Penguins would have paid for HIS 7 regular season goals and outstanding post season? He may have potted 25-30 playing with Sid or Malkin.

I watched the NHL DVD on the Kings winning the cup – 3 problems:

1) Jamie Kompon was the best they could do for quotes? The guy is everywhere. He’s going to haunt me forever.

2) Helene Elliott – She’s so ugly…

–  Tim Burton cast her on the spot.

– even Bob the Builder said “I Can’t Fix That”

– after the interview, she was arrested for mooning

– when she looks in the mirror, her reflection ducks

– roaches go, “Hi mom!”

– she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application

3) Rental Man? Really?

4) 45 years years and the best celebrities they could come up with is Matthew Perry and that guy from Five For Fighting?

5) Not one quote from Lombardi on how he put the team together? Not one quote about “right fit” and “playing together?”

6) The extras on the blu-ray weren’t worth the extra 10 dollars.

Oh, I know what I forget – the TeamLA sale and Select-A-Seat. I didn’t go to either and from what I understand, I didn’t miss out on anything. Congrats to the Kings for selling 15,000 season seats. I wonder, percentage wise, how much your ticket reps will have to listen to increased bitching and complaining? My guess? +2,567%

Did anyone try that new bar-b-que sandwich place? The one where Panda Express and that other awful Chinese food place used to be behind section 119?

I thought the site re-design would already be up… I guess the guys that were doing it hate me now, too?

If the NHL calls off the season again, will I finally get my life back?

So I run into a guy at Chuck E. Cheese today and he’s wearing a Kings Stanley Cup Championship T-Shirt. I say “Nice Shirt” and he looks at me like I just called him a “cunt” or something. Listen up people, if you BUY a Stanley Cup Champions T-Shirt, expect people who are just as happy as you are, to SHARE their happiness with you.

I’ve had a headache for 3 days. Does this mean I have a tumor?

FinalCut Pro X is NOT compatible with Final Cut 7 and I’m really frustrated about that.

Monday Morning Rant

CAN SOMEONE JUST PUT A MUZZLE ON TIM THOMAS
I’m all for freedom of speech but every time he opens his mouth (or in this case, tweets), flying bags of shit spew from it. Personally, I enjoy a Chik-Fil-A but now I have to rethink spending my hard earned cash which would go into the pocket of a person who openly speaks out against gay marriage. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if gay’s want to marry each other, they should be just as miserable as men and women who marry each other.

I understand this is America and we all have our 1st ammndment rights, just as Tim Thomas is free to spew his religious beliefs on his facebook account. Well, that’s why I have my tiny little rant-a-thon here and as was pointed out in an episode of “Newsroom” tonight, it was Christians just like Tim Thomas who killed Lincoln, John Lennon, Martin Luther King and supports the Klu Klux Clan. Again, this was on “Newsroom” tonight and it does not reflect my Koran carrying beliefs (that’s a joke, folks)

Yes, this has absolutely nothing to do with hockey and now that Carolina was stupid enough to pay 7 million dollars for a girl, all focus is now on an oft injured defenseman named Carlo.

SHANE DOAN? 30 M ILLION? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS?
First off, I’m getting real sick of Phoenix and their ownership mess. Even billionaires need writeoffs and NOBODY wants to touch this lemon.

I’ve got an idea. FOLD THE FRANCHISE. Nobody goes to their games in the 1st place. How the NHL can carry TWO franchises (yes, they’re “allegedly” carrying New Jersey, too, but nobody wants you to know THAT now do they?)

Shane Doan is being a little bitch, isn’t he? 30 million for 4 years? Let me get out my calculator. That’s 7.5 million. That’s more than Kopitar. For a 36 year old? Quick, which stupid team is going to pony up for this and regret the fuck out of it 2 years from now?

For 50 points.

Yes, he scored 50 points. That’s 27 points LESS than former teammate Ray Whitney scored and all he could muster up at age 40 was 4.5 million. That’s 12 points less than teammate Radim Vrbata, who at the tender age of 31 could only grab 3 million a season for 2 years. That’s 15 points less than Teddy Purcell. That’s 10 points less than David Desharnais and I don’t even know who he is!

89 players scored more goals than Doan did last season, and I don’t care what you say about “leadership qualities,” he hasn’t led the Coyotes to anything in 15 years!

7.5 million dollars a year?

MOVIE THEATRES
I don’t know about you but I haven’t sat in the middle seats since the incident in Colorado. Did you donate to the victims? You should. Even a few bucks helps.

THE OLYMPICS
Haven’t watched. Don’t care. That’s just me.

800 BUCKS FOR A BIKE?
What happened to the good old days when a top of the line Schwinn cost you 100 bucks? I just paid 800 bucks because I’m told I need a “hybrid” for the riding I want to do… Oh, and you need a cushier saddle. For 800 frickin bucks, it better tickle my balls when I’m riding. Helmet, gloves, water bottle and yes, I have to look like those dorks you see with the spandex outfits on that you just want to run over. Shit, I’ve become one of those guys. So please don’t run me over. I’m told my model is a “lower end” model and there are wheels that cost more than my whole bike. Who pays 2500 bucks for a bike?

LAST BUT NOT LEAST

I have to take digs at my favorite new fuckhead Tweeter

 

 

 

Kings Replace Kompon With Davis Payne

Weird.

The Kings have two guys named Davis on their staff/roster.

Okay, so Davis Payne was head coach of the Blues for 13 games this past season before being fired and replaced by Ken Hitchcock, who was named coach of the year. Now he knows how Jack Johnson feels.

Before he was fired, the Blues power play was 3 for 35 – that fits right in with the Kings sucking.

After he took over for Andy Murray he had a decent 23-15-4 record, but his power play ranked 20th. Then again, he took over for Andy Murray who drove everyone nuts with his droning and notes under the door.

In 2010-11 Davis missed the playoffs with a 38-33-11 record HOWEVER his power play IMPROVED to 10th in the league.

Considering his fate seemed to mirror that of another former head coach and excellent defensive coach in John Stevens, it looks like Davis Gaines… er… Davis Payne should fit in perfectly.

Bottom line is this: It didn’t matter WHO the Kings hired because ANYONE would have been better than Jamie fucking Kompon!

FAIL, FAIL, FAIL… UPWARDS

He can’t fight, he can’t backcheck, he’s lazy… and now he’s being paid 7 million dollars.

How many games does it take before the Staal brothers purposely dish Semin the puck just nanoseconds before Dion Phaneuf decapitates him?

SHANE DOAN

It’s like when Bo Derek left John Derek. Guys were like “Yahoo! Bo is fresh meat!” Every greasy dude with a bank account and a beer gut was wooing her, spending stupid money on her and what happened? She went right back to John Derek. These teams are wasting their time and energy. Doan goes back to Phoenix no matter WHAT happens. And he’ll probably take a 1 year contract, too.

It’s Wednesday and I Feel Lake Ranting

Is it just me, but does absolutely NOBODY care whether Alexander Semin plays in the NHL this season? This lazy ass Russian who fights like a squashed squirrel has burned more bridges than Madison County. Russians. When are they just going to stop being egotistical assholes?

I still can’t believe people are defending the Blue Jackets deal.  If I were a fan, I would quit being a fan. This team is just like every dude that actually lives in Columbus. Married to a fat slob, who is abusive, who sits at home stuffing her face with Cheetos and Twinkies while watching reality TV all the while bitching, “you never make love to me anymore.” But they stick around because who else wants a balding loser whose weekends consist of shopping at Wal Mart 50 miles away and whose only amusement is sticking bottle rockets in the ass of cows and lighting them. THAT is a Columbus Blue Jackets fan. Have fun Jack Johnson.

The Oilers are going to be a fun team to watch. You know what I’m really going to enjoy watching? The day when those cocky kids are up about 8-0 on a team like the Bruins who beat the ever loving shit out of them with absolutely zero retaliation.

Tonight, rumors are flying that Toronto is close to a deal with the Kings for Jonathan Bernier. I’m hearing rumors (and not from that sperm who dripped down his mommas leg HockeyyInsiderr) Scott Howson could further cement his legacy as the worst GM since Mike Milbury by overpaying for Bernier. If I’m Lombardi, I ship Bernier’s media crying ass to Siberia (read: Edmonton) to see how well Colten Teubert plays in front of him. A nice 3.22 gaa will bring his cocky crying ass back to reality.

The Flyers aren’t going to get Bobby Ryan and they aren’t going to get anyone else.  I’m so glad they’re stuck with Bryzgalov’s contract. I’m glad the Rangers and Penguins have gotten stronger. I like that Wayne Simmonds doesn’t have his name on the cup.

I’m so happy the Devils haven’t done anything this off season. I want Koval-choke to be miserable for the rest of his career and to think about the chance he had and how badly he failed. One empty net goal?

Dan Cloutier is looking to make a comeback and has requested a tryout with the Kings.

How bad can playing in that shithole in Nassau County be that you actually want to go BACK to the Ducks? I feel so sorry for Lubo who is turning out to be that really good friend you leave on the sidewalk because you don’t have any room for him in the car.

You know what I love even more than winning the Stanley Cup? WE DIDN’T BURN DOWN THE CITY!

Remember how much fun whippets were?

How the hell did my garage get filled with so much crap? I mean, the thing is just stuffed with crap! I’d have a yard sale but does anyone really buy someone else’s crap?

Where does Kyle Clifford fit in and will Jordan Nolan give him another concussion during a pre-season inter-squad scrap?

Lombardi has to be thinking, “I lost Moller and Holloway and Azevedo for nothing. Do I want that to happen to Loktionov as well?”

Hey! I had my reverse hockeyyinsiderr moment. You know, instead of sucking my own dick for everything I got right, I said that Thomas Hickey would be dealt before July 1st. Guess what? I was WRONG! #WOW #DONEDEAL #GUARANTEED

The LATeam store sale is this weekend. Up to 90% off. You know what’s gonna be 90% off? LAKERS WIN AGAIN shirts! CLIPPERS ARE FOR REAL hats! You know what’s NOT going to be 90% off? ANYTHING Kings related.

Remember when nobody cared that Mike Cammalleri was going to be a future part of this team?

How come nobody’s replaced Jamie Kompon yet? I guess it has to be the “right fit?”

I love that the Ducks are going to suck.

My wife’s cooking was so bad tonight, it tasted like a softball. I think I may patch my bike tire with the leftovers.

Have you ever noticed you always seem to have a lot of PENS? Where do they come from? The office? SOMEONE had to pay for them at one time. That means you’ve STOLEN a lot of pens and you’re a thief! Should we all be arrested? Is it actually a CRIME? On my desk are about 75 pens and I can’t remember buying a one. I hope I don’t go to jail. I already have two strikes against me.

Somebody sign Sean O’Donnell. I don’t want his career to be over yet.

Scott Parse? Anybody? Anyone? Hello? Anyone?

When is your Select-A-Seat? Let’s go celebrate some more beforehand!

Nash For THOSE Scrubs? Are You Kidding?

Remember when you were in New York for the first time and you saw that three card monte guy saying, “Find the red card. Find the red card” and it looked SO EASY. You plopped down your 20 bucks and turned the card over and… WHAT????…. It was BLACK?

SUCKER!

That’s exactly what Sather did to Howson. Not only did he rob him blind, he date raped him in the process.

I don’t care how the media spins this trade. It was worse that the Joe Thornton deal. It was worse that the Dion Phaneuf deal.

This one is about as bad as watching an episode of Rob Schneider’s new unfunny comedy.

If Scott Howson has a job after Christmas, I’ll be shocked.

“I think all three players have a chance to be the cornerstone in this trade,” Scott Howson said today.

I think he meant to say,”I think all three players have a chance to be concrete cinderblocks.”

Let’s break this down:

Rick Nash in New York with teammates that can actually SCORE = Flyers and Penguins are fucked. Nash, on crappy Jackets teams AVERAGED 35 goals a season. Imagine what he’ll do with Brad Richards dishing him the puck?

Because the Blue Jackets didn’t learn from how well Nikita Filatov, Jakub Voracek and Nikolai Zherdev performed so well, they traded for another Eastern Euro in Artem Anisimov who undoubtedly will love trading in the nightlife in New York for cow tipping and pork rind eating contests in Columbus.

Brandon Dubinsky has played 5 seasons in New York and has sucked worse than a toothless hooker. A whopping 34 points last season all for the amazing low price of 4.2 million dollars.

Tim Erixson is a defenseman who had a 7.5 rating by Hockey’s future… the exact SAME rating as Blue Jacket defensemen Cody Goloubef, David Savard AND Mike Reilly.

If Jack Johnson wasn’t crying in his pillow after the Kings lifted the Stanley Cup, he’s going to become the Jackets first full blown alcoholic.

I can only imagine the wave of Jackets fans that are PRAYING for a lockout so they don’t have to suffer through another year of futility. I can only imagine the Jackets fans wanting to turn that goal cannon towards the office of Howson. I can only imagine the scores of Jackets fans putting their NASH jersey’s on eBay and becoming instant bandwagon Red Wings fans.

Remember when Gary Bettman wouldn’t let the Kings rob the Islanders for ziggy Palffy and MADE the Kings include Olli Jokinen? How could he even ALLOW this trade? How could the NHLPA revenue sharing committee which is going to see the Blue Jackets gate receipts plummet worse than Chipotle’s stock the last two days.

Nick Foligno, Brandon Dubinsky and RJ Umberger? Come on, name a WORSE starting 3.

Do you think Sergei Bobrovsky is praying he has a season ending groin pull Game 1?

James Wisniewski might be a rich man, but do you think he might be having 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th thoughts about signing there?

Scott Howson, in a letter to fans, wrote: “We are committed to building a team that plays an exciting brand of hockey, competes every night and ultimately achieves the goal of winning a Stanley Cup. Anything less is unacceptable, and we will do whatever it takes to build a winner.”

Whatever it takes? You fucking LIAR. You could have traded Nash to Detroit for a MUCH BETTER package, but didn’t. “Whatever it Takes?” How about KEEPING Nash until the right deal came along? Mistake after mistake after mistake. I thought only Hollywood executives failed upwards?

And how about the Kings being “All In” for Nash?

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