It’s Wednesday and I Feel Lake Ranting

Is it just me, but does absolutely NOBODY care whether Alexander Semin plays in the NHL this season? This lazy ass Russian who fights like a squashed squirrel has burned more bridges than Madison County. Russians. When are they just going to stop being egotistical assholes?

I still can’t believe people are defending the Blue Jackets deal.  If I were a fan, I would quit being a fan. This team is just like every dude that actually lives in Columbus. Married to a fat slob, who is abusive, who sits at home stuffing her face with Cheetos and Twinkies while watching reality TV all the while bitching, “you never make love to me anymore.” But they stick around because who else wants a balding loser whose weekends consist of shopping at Wal Mart 50 miles away and whose only amusement is sticking bottle rockets in the ass of cows and lighting them. THAT is a Columbus Blue Jackets fan. Have fun Jack Johnson.

The Oilers are going to be a fun team to watch. You know what I’m really going to enjoy watching? The day when those cocky kids are up about 8-0 on a team like the Bruins who beat the ever loving shit out of them with absolutely zero retaliation.

Tonight, rumors are flying that Toronto is close to a deal with the Kings for Jonathan Bernier. I’m hearing rumors (and not from that sperm who dripped down his mommas leg HockeyyInsiderr) Scott Howson could further cement his legacy as the worst GM since Mike Milbury by overpaying for Bernier. If I’m Lombardi, I ship Bernier’s media crying ass to Siberia (read: Edmonton) to see how well Colten Teubert plays in front of him. A nice 3.22 gaa will bring his cocky crying ass back to reality.

The Flyers aren’t going to get Bobby Ryan and they aren’t going to get anyone else.  I’m so glad they’re stuck with Bryzgalov’s contract. I’m glad the Rangers and Penguins have gotten stronger. I like that Wayne Simmonds doesn’t have his name on the cup.

I’m so happy the Devils haven’t done anything this off season. I want Koval-choke to be miserable for the rest of his career and to think about the chance he had and how badly he failed. One empty net goal?

Dan Cloutier is looking to make a comeback and has requested a tryout with the Kings.

How bad can playing in that shithole in Nassau County be that you actually want to go BACK to the Ducks? I feel so sorry for Lubo who is turning out to be that really good friend you leave on the sidewalk because you don’t have any room for him in the car.

You know what I love even more than winning the Stanley Cup? WE DIDN’T BURN DOWN THE CITY!

Remember how much fun whippets were?

How the hell did my garage get filled with so much crap? I mean, the thing is just stuffed with crap! I’d have a yard sale but does anyone really buy someone else’s crap?

Where does Kyle Clifford fit in and will Jordan Nolan give him another concussion during a pre-season inter-squad scrap?

Lombardi has to be thinking, “I lost Moller and Holloway and Azevedo for nothing. Do I want that to happen to Loktionov as well?”

Hey! I had my reverse hockeyyinsiderr moment. You know, instead of sucking my own dick for everything I got right, I said that Thomas Hickey would be dealt before July 1st. Guess what? I was WRONG! #WOW #DONEDEAL #GUARANTEED

The LATeam store sale is this weekend. Up to 90% off. You know what’s gonna be 90% off? LAKERS WIN AGAIN shirts! CLIPPERS ARE FOR REAL hats! You know what’s NOT going to be 90% off? ANYTHING Kings related.

Remember when nobody cared that Mike Cammalleri was going to be a future part of this team?

How come nobody’s replaced Jamie Kompon yet? I guess it has to be the “right fit?”

I love that the Ducks are going to suck.

My wife’s cooking was so bad tonight, it tasted like a softball. I think I may patch my bike tire with the leftovers.

Have you ever noticed you always seem to have a lot of PENS? Where do they come from? The office? SOMEONE had to pay for them at one time. That means you’ve STOLEN a lot of pens and you’re a thief! Should we all be arrested? Is it actually a CRIME? On my desk are about 75 pens and I can’t remember buying a one. I hope I don’t go to jail. I already have two strikes against me.

Somebody sign Sean O’Donnell. I don’t want his career to be over yet.

Scott Parse? Anybody? Anyone? Hello? Anyone?

When is your Select-A-Seat? Let’s go celebrate some more beforehand!

Comments

  1. Lmao! Just watched the video again of Alexander Semin playing the bongos, er, I mean fighting…or trying to fight. I swear I could watch that video 1,000 times and I’d still fucking laugh. Lol!

    • That fight is maybe THE most embarrassing moment next to Stefan’s blown empty net goal in NHL… EVER! 7 million?!! You have got to be kidding me?!? The Jedi Mind Tricks continue?..

  2. Matt, you forgot to hashag: #CONFIRMED lol

  3. Do you have a beef with Simmonds! That statement came across as rather personal. Couldn’t agree more about Kovalsuck! I will always hate that Motherfucker! I hope he never wins dick!

  4. It’s comical how you deride Russians for being arrogant, then proceed to stereotype Cleveland fans as ONLY an ignorant, narrow-minded and ARROGANT SoCal asshole can. Unfortunately, though, you are too stupid to recognize the irony.

    • Lets try actually READING Gumpers.
      a) I didn’t say Russians were “arrogant” I said they were “lazy” and “egotistical”
      b) I didn’t portray Cleveland FANS as ignorant, I compared the team to the DUDES who live there, take abuse, and keep coming back for more.
      c) I’m from New York where we are EXPECTED to be arrogant assholes.

      Glad I could clear that up for you – thanks for reading and replying

  5. Overloading there arent ya? It as usual always makes me laugh. Kings better be smart about the Bernier deal. I hope Quick is our Brodeur. But God forbid he gets hurt and there is only a scrub to fill in.

  6. Dude, the Kings have had much longer and worse scenarios than Columbus and them losing Nash…and you’re still a Kings fan, right?
    I don’t get your man-crush on that twitter insiderr? He spreads the same crap your buddy Eklund does, baseless crap. Are you Eklunds lakey, maybe? Competition in crap flinging getting too much for that halfwitt?

  7. LIKE

  8. KOPI-STAR says:

    Man, you covered so many topics I don’t know where to begin. Fuck it! They all suck! We won the Cup!

    • Sleeping Dog says:

      I agree with Kopi-Star. Just looking forward to this season as THE DEFENDING STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS!!!! Never get tired of hearing that.

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