Monday Morning Rant

I’m all for freedom of speech but every time he opens his mouth (or in this case, tweets), flying bags of shit spew from it. Personally, I enjoy a Chik-Fil-A but now I have to rethink spending my hard earned cash which would go into the pocket of a person who openly speaks out against gay marriage. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if gay’s want to marry each other, they should be just as miserable as men and women who marry each other.

I understand this is America and we all have our 1st ammndment rights, just as Tim Thomas is free to spew his religious beliefs on his facebook account. Well, that’s why I have my tiny little rant-a-thon here and as was pointed out in an episode of “Newsroom” tonight, it was Christians just like Tim Thomas who killed Lincoln, John Lennon, Martin Luther King and supports the Klu Klux Clan. Again, this was on “Newsroom” tonight and it does not reflect my Koran carrying beliefs (that’s a joke, folks)

Yes, this has absolutely nothing to do with hockey and now that Carolina was stupid enough to pay 7 million dollars for a girl, all focus is now on an oft injured defenseman named Carlo.

First off, I’m getting real sick of Phoenix and their ownership mess. Even billionaires need writeoffs and NOBODY wants to touch this lemon.

I’ve got an idea. FOLD THE FRANCHISE. Nobody goes to their games in the 1st place. How the NHL can carry TWO franchises (yes, they’re “allegedly” carrying New Jersey, too, but nobody wants you to know THAT now do they?)

Shane Doan is being a little bitch, isn’t he? 30 million for 4 years? Let me get out my calculator. That’s 7.5 million. That’s more than Kopitar. For a 36 year old? Quick, which stupid team is going to pony up for this and regret the fuck out of it 2 years from now?

For 50 points.

Yes, he scored 50 points. That’s 27 points LESS than former teammate Ray Whitney scored and all he could muster up at age 40 was 4.5 million. That’s 12 points less than teammate Radim Vrbata, who at the tender age of 31 could only grab 3 million a season for 2 years. That’s 15 points less than Teddy Purcell. That’s 10 points less than David Desharnais and I don’t even know who he is!

89 players scored more goals than Doan did last season, and I don’t care what you say about “leadership qualities,” he hasn’t led the Coyotes to anything in 15 years!

7.5 million dollars a year?

I don’t know about you but I haven’t sat in the middle seats since the incident in Colorado. Did you donate to the victims? You should. Even a few bucks helps.

Haven’t watched. Don’t care. That’s just me.

What happened to the good old days when a top of the line Schwinn cost you 100 bucks? I just paid 800 bucks because I’m told I need a “hybrid” for the riding I want to do… Oh, and you need a cushier saddle. For 800 frickin bucks, it better tickle my balls when I’m riding. Helmet, gloves, water bottle and yes, I have to look like those dorks you see with the spandex outfits on that you just want to run over. Shit, I’ve become one of those guys. So please don’t run me over. I’m told my model is a “lower end” model and there are wheels that cost more than my whole bike. Who pays 2500 bucks for a bike?


I have to take digs at my favorite new fuckhead Tweeter




Kings Replace Kompon With Davis Payne


The Kings have two guys named Davis on their staff/roster.

Okay, so Davis Payne was head coach of the Blues for 13 games this past season before being fired and replaced by Ken Hitchcock, who was named coach of the year. Now he knows how Jack Johnson feels.

Before he was fired, the Blues power play was 3 for 35 – that fits right in with the Kings sucking.

After he took over for Andy Murray he had a decent 23-15-4 record, but his power play ranked 20th. Then again, he took over for Andy Murray who drove everyone nuts with his droning and notes under the door.

In 2010-11 Davis missed the playoffs with a 38-33-11 record HOWEVER his power play IMPROVED to 10th in the league.

Considering his fate seemed to mirror that of another former head coach and excellent defensive coach in John Stevens, it looks like Davis Gaines… er… Davis Payne should fit in perfectly.

Bottom line is this: It didn’t matter WHO the Kings hired because ANYONE would have been better than Jamie fucking Kompon!


He can’t fight, he can’t backcheck, he’s lazy… and now he’s being paid 7 million dollars.

How many games does it take before the Staal brothers purposely dish Semin the puck just nanoseconds before Dion Phaneuf decapitates him?


It’s like when Bo Derek left John Derek. Guys were like “Yahoo! Bo is fresh meat!” Every greasy dude with a bank account and a beer gut was wooing her, spending stupid money on her and what happened? She went right back to John Derek. These teams are wasting their time and energy. Doan goes back to Phoenix no matter WHAT happens. And he’ll probably take a 1 year contract, too.

It’s Wednesday and I Feel Lake Ranting

Is it just me, but does absolutely NOBODY care whether Alexander Semin plays in the NHL this season? This lazy ass Russian who fights like a squashed squirrel has burned more bridges than Madison County. Russians. When are they just going to stop being egotistical assholes?

I still can’t believe people are defending the Blue Jackets deal.  If I were a fan, I would quit being a fan. This team is just like every dude that actually lives in Columbus. Married to a fat slob, who is abusive, who sits at home stuffing her face with Cheetos and Twinkies while watching reality TV all the while bitching, “you never make love to me anymore.” But they stick around because who else wants a balding loser whose weekends consist of shopping at Wal Mart 50 miles away and whose only amusement is sticking bottle rockets in the ass of cows and lighting them. THAT is a Columbus Blue Jackets fan. Have fun Jack Johnson.

The Oilers are going to be a fun team to watch. You know what I’m really going to enjoy watching? The day when those cocky kids are up about 8-0 on a team like the Bruins who beat the ever loving shit out of them with absolutely zero retaliation.

Tonight, rumors are flying that Toronto is close to a deal with the Kings for Jonathan Bernier. I’m hearing rumors (and not from that sperm who dripped down his mommas leg HockeyyInsiderr) Scott Howson could further cement his legacy as the worst GM since Mike Milbury by overpaying for Bernier. If I’m Lombardi, I ship Bernier’s media crying ass to Siberia (read: Edmonton) to see how well Colten Teubert plays in front of him. A nice 3.22 gaa will bring his cocky crying ass back to reality.

The Flyers aren’t going to get Bobby Ryan and they aren’t going to get anyone else.  I’m so glad they’re stuck with Bryzgalov’s contract. I’m glad the Rangers and Penguins have gotten stronger. I like that Wayne Simmonds doesn’t have his name on the cup.

I’m so happy the Devils haven’t done anything this off season. I want Koval-choke to be miserable for the rest of his career and to think about the chance he had and how badly he failed. One empty net goal?

Dan Cloutier is looking to make a comeback and has requested a tryout with the Kings.

How bad can playing in that shithole in Nassau County be that you actually want to go BACK to the Ducks? I feel so sorry for Lubo who is turning out to be that really good friend you leave on the sidewalk because you don’t have any room for him in the car.

You know what I love even more than winning the Stanley Cup? WE DIDN’T BURN DOWN THE CITY!

Remember how much fun whippets were?

How the hell did my garage get filled with so much crap? I mean, the thing is just stuffed with crap! I’d have a yard sale but does anyone really buy someone else’s crap?

Where does Kyle Clifford fit in and will Jordan Nolan give him another concussion during a pre-season inter-squad scrap?

Lombardi has to be thinking, “I lost Moller and Holloway and Azevedo for nothing. Do I want that to happen to Loktionov as well?”

Hey! I had my reverse hockeyyinsiderr moment. You know, instead of sucking my own dick for everything I got right, I said that Thomas Hickey would be dealt before July 1st. Guess what? I was WRONG! #WOW #DONEDEAL #GUARANTEED

The LATeam store sale is this weekend. Up to 90% off. You know what’s gonna be 90% off? LAKERS WIN AGAIN shirts! CLIPPERS ARE FOR REAL hats! You know what’s NOT going to be 90% off? ANYTHING Kings related.

Remember when nobody cared that Mike Cammalleri was going to be a future part of this team?

How come nobody’s replaced Jamie Kompon yet? I guess it has to be the “right fit?”

I love that the Ducks are going to suck.

My wife’s cooking was so bad tonight, it tasted like a softball. I think I may patch my bike tire with the leftovers.

Have you ever noticed you always seem to have a lot of PENS? Where do they come from? The office? SOMEONE had to pay for them at one time. That means you’ve STOLEN a lot of pens and you’re a thief! Should we all be arrested? Is it actually a CRIME? On my desk are about 75 pens and I can’t remember buying a one. I hope I don’t go to jail. I already have two strikes against me.

Somebody sign Sean O’Donnell. I don’t want his career to be over yet.

Scott Parse? Anybody? Anyone? Hello? Anyone?

When is your Select-A-Seat? Let’s go celebrate some more beforehand!

Nash For THOSE Scrubs? Are You Kidding?

Remember when you were in New York for the first time and you saw that three card monte guy saying, “Find the red card. Find the red card” and it looked SO EASY. You plopped down your 20 bucks and turned the card over and… WHAT????…. It was BLACK?


That’s exactly what Sather did to Howson. Not only did he rob him blind, he date raped him in the process.

I don’t care how the media spins this trade. It was worse that the Joe Thornton deal. It was worse that the Dion Phaneuf deal.

This one is about as bad as watching an episode of Rob Schneider’s new unfunny comedy.

If Scott Howson has a job after Christmas, I’ll be shocked.

“I think all three players have a chance to be the cornerstone in this trade,” Scott Howson said today.

I think he meant to say,”I think all three players have a chance to be concrete cinderblocks.”

Let’s break this down:

Rick Nash in New York with teammates that can actually SCORE = Flyers and Penguins are fucked. Nash, on crappy Jackets teams AVERAGED 35 goals a season. Imagine what he’ll do with Brad Richards dishing him the puck?

Because the Blue Jackets didn’t learn from how well Nikita Filatov, Jakub Voracek and Nikolai Zherdev performed so well, they traded for another Eastern Euro in Artem Anisimov who undoubtedly will love trading in the nightlife in New York for cow tipping and pork rind eating contests in Columbus.

Brandon Dubinsky has played 5 seasons in New York and has sucked worse than a toothless hooker. A whopping 34 points last season all for the amazing low price of 4.2 million dollars.

Tim Erixson is a defenseman who had a 7.5 rating by Hockey’s future… the exact SAME rating as Blue Jacket defensemen Cody Goloubef, David Savard AND Mike Reilly.

If Jack Johnson wasn’t crying in his pillow after the Kings lifted the Stanley Cup, he’s going to become the Jackets first full blown alcoholic.

I can only imagine the wave of Jackets fans that are PRAYING for a lockout so they don’t have to suffer through another year of futility. I can only imagine the Jackets fans wanting to turn that goal cannon towards the office of Howson. I can only imagine the scores of Jackets fans putting their NASH jersey’s on eBay and becoming instant bandwagon Red Wings fans.

Remember when Gary Bettman wouldn’t let the Kings rob the Islanders for ziggy Palffy and MADE the Kings include Olli Jokinen? How could he even ALLOW this trade? How could the NHLPA revenue sharing committee which is going to see the Blue Jackets gate receipts plummet worse than Chipotle’s stock the last two days.

Nick Foligno, Brandon Dubinsky and RJ Umberger? Come on, name a WORSE starting 3.

Do you think Sergei Bobrovsky is praying he has a season ending groin pull Game 1?

James Wisniewski might be a rich man, but do you think he might be having 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th thoughts about signing there?

Scott Howson, in a letter to fans, wrote: “We are committed to building a team that plays an exciting brand of hockey, competes every night and ultimately achieves the goal of winning a Stanley Cup. Anything less is unacceptable, and we will do whatever it takes to build a winner.”

Whatever it takes? You fucking LIAR. You could have traded Nash to Detroit for a MUCH BETTER package, but didn’t. “Whatever it Takes?” How about KEEPING Nash until the right deal came along? Mistake after mistake after mistake. I thought only Hollywood executives failed upwards?

And how about the Kings being “All In” for Nash?




Attention! Jackass Alert!

I just came back from shooting a short film today. I was in a GREAT mood as it was a fantastic shoot. Then I go and ruin it by reading this dipshit. What the hell is WRONG with me?

Are you fucking KIDDING me with this guy!?!?!


The phrase, “Who needs an anal rape?” comes to mind.

This is the guy who recently wrote…

Gagner signed YESTERDAY (5 days later) and for ONE year, not 3.

He freaked out the entire Pittsburgh area with THIS:

I know, I know, I’ve worked for Eklund… But Eklund posts RUMORS and doesn’t post shit like this.

Okay, lets break this down:

The Kings are going to trade a 1st line right winger AND a 2nd line left winger (albeit an injured one) for an overpaid, underachieving 3rd liner (Borque is a 3rd liner folks, don’t kid yourself)

Now, lets break down the alleged “cap savings”

Williams 3.6 cap hit

Gagne 3.5 cap hit

Bourque 3.3 cap hit

Diaz 1.2 cap hit

So the Kings are going to break up their Stanley Cup winning team… a team they kept COMPLETELY together for the grand “cap savings” of 1.6 million dollars??

No wonder Darren Dreger hates this fucking idiot and Allan Walsh went to the press and called him a “liar.”

Why am I giving this missed abortion any attention?


He couldn’t get along with Carter in Columbus.  Jack Johnson thinks he’s an asshole. WHY in the hell, (if the Kings are trying to free up cap space” would they take on this parasites contract????

HOLY COW, did someone just drill a hole in my head and let a duck shit in it?


Can you all just copy and paste this link and send it to him – just flood his inbox.


All Hell is Breaking Loose!

Forget Bernier, tonight is FUN!

FLYERS STICK IT TO NASHVILLE  – OFFER SHEET SHEA WEBER – 14 YEAR – 100 MILLION (Told it might be as high as 140)

You know when you’re trying to be nice to the soon to be ex-wife and you’re trying to do the right thing, but she’s just being a fricken c***, so you tell your hard core attorney to stick it up her ass? That’s what the Flyers just did to Nashville

The Flyers were trying to be nice – they allegedly tried to work out a trade, and they couldn’t, so they decided to pay a defenseman until he’s 40.

Meanwhile, in a New York City penthouse, Gary Bettman is beating his pillow with an elephant tusk.

This could get uglier than Snookie without makeup.

The Flyers didn’t learn their lesson with the numerous years they handed out to Mike Richards and Jeff Carter? That worked out well, didn’t it? The first time Weber puts on a Montreal Expos hat, Weber will be jettisoned to Phoenix… or wherever they’ll be.

Flyers players are tweeting how excited they are. For some reason I haven’t been able to spot the Chris Pronger tweet? Did I miss it?

14 years? How many marriages last 5? Isn’t 14 years a prison sentence for statutory rape?


According to the Arizona Republic, Jones and Cobb have not yet decided if they will sue Glendale over the petition rejection. They are required by state law to decide within five days. Jones said that if they do not sue, they would consider an effort to add a surcharge or other revenue-generating increase to the cost of Coyotes tickets to minimize the deal’s impact on taxpayers.

Let me translate for you: Bye-Bye Doan! Bye-Bye Tippet! Bye-Bye Fans! Hello cheap tickets and great golf when the Kings play there!

Bernier winds up on the Flyers – he has to – the Flyers West won the Stanley cup, now the Kings East have to.

Okay, here’s how it works:

Step #1) Flyers acquire Bobby Ryan and Emerson Etam from the Ducks for Jacob Voracek and Matt Read
Step #2) Flyers trade Bryzgalov to CBJ for anything
Step #3) Flyers trade Emerson Etam AND Bill Ranford’s nephew LW Brendan Ranford to the Kings for Jon Bernier



Oh, and here’s a few more for you…

“Waked Up?” – Is this one of those hip new 19 year old surfing terms i don’t know about?

“Waked Up?” – Is this a new hip hop phrase for “stoned on bennies?”

“Waked Up?” – Is this what happened to John Travolta when he was being massaged?

It’s now July 19th – Show of hands… how many people think the #DoneDeal will go through in 3 days? Hello? Anybody? You sir. You think it will? Oh, you have to go pee? Anyone else.

Wait! Let me play! I’ve written some stupid shit before (Lindros to the Kings!) but I want to play!!!

– The Kings have a VERBAL AGREEMENT that people named STEWIE will never set foot in Staples center again! #CONFIRMED

– The Kings have a VERBAL AGREEMENT that beer and Wetzel Pretzel prices will remain the same! #DONE DEAL

HNIC: “Leafs Make Offer For Bernier”

Submit all ridiculous offers here – remember YOU wouldn’t have traded Jack Johnson AND a 1st round pick for Carter.

The Kings still won’t have a proven back-up goaltender

So what do the Kings NEED that Toronto has? Burke likes to build with meaty guys… so do the Kings.

I like Kadri and Colbourne but doubt Burke parts with either.

Matt Frattin (I accidentally typed FARTin) – 6’1″ 206 – 4th round pick

Carter Ashton – 6’3″ 205 – 1st round pick

Brad Ross – Considered one of the hardest players to play against in the WHL, Ross brings energy and grit to the mix, which sometimes makes it easy for his offensive prowess to be overlooked. An in-your-face forward who’s relentless on the ice, his presence helps create open ice for his ultra-skilled linemates. He thrives in a pest role and should continue to frustrate opponents at the pro level.

Jesse Blacker – solid D-man?



Oh Good Grief Charlie Brown!